Posted By Merv Newman
With many thanks to those who offered couplets and biblical sources.
O Lord, protect me.
From the wrath of my plant manager which passeth all understanding
O Lord, protect me.
From the fiery furnace which burneth the estates of my employer,
O Lord, reveal unto me the path of the running androgynous person
From the unassessed risks and the lack of a Safety Action Plan,
O Lord send me wise counsels with attached model RA and SAP
From the (unfenced) slough of despond
Good Lord deliver me and make mine day
From unending Power Point presentations
Good Lord send me a brilliant excuse for leaving the room
From the labyrinth of ineffable fire signage
Lord guide my footsteps
From Malignant Melanoma, UV sensitised dermatitus and global warming
Good Lord cause not thy countenance to shine upon us
From the banning of conkers by beaurocrats,
Save us, O Lord. Remind us that they were children once and art childish ever
From the blaming of “elfnsafety” for poor management decisions
Heavenly Father protect us for they knowest not what they do nor how to do it
From effable questions with ineffable answers,
I’ve e-mailed you direct
From blind faith in our snap judgments,
May reason protect us and ensure, Lord, that no-one reads our e-mails
From endless repetition of the same questions,
O Lord remind us ; we were once young and new at this job
From the desire to respond in the heet of the moment,
O Lord remind me to use the spillchecker
From endless testamurism,
Thou who seest all and knowst all, grant me wisdom not to post yet another response
From those who wish to change our governance without explanation
Good Lord deliver us and let their committee meetings last for all eternity.
From the entry of unauthorised chemicals on my site
O Lord preserve me and send unto me the miracle of an understandable MSDS
From Australians vaunting their paradise on earth
O Lord defend me and send the bird of paradise to fly up his nose
From the supervisor requiring a risk assessment for a broken chair.
O god protect me and send an elephant to caress him with his toes
From contractors insisting on doing it their way “we are professionals”
Please God help me and accept his candidature for the oldest of professions
From employees not using lifting equipment “it’s quicker without”
O lord, send them home by London Underground
From the manager insisting that I am responsible for accident prevention
O Lord turn square his boils, let them fester at all corners and cause, Dear Lord, his fingernails to drop out so that he cannot scratch them
From trolling posters (not you fats)
Translate, O Lord, all of their e-mails (except the spam) into serbo-croat
From markSmark
Not another word, please Lord ?
From plumbers saying “can’t do that, it’s elf and safety”
O Lord, straighten their S-bends
From Jeremy Paxman
Lead him unto the path of righteousness and of understanding and of a fast car
From people working over two meters high without harnesses or barriers
O Lord, send unto them an angel with a fiery sword aimed from groundlevel at their most delicate parts. Please ?
From people with bad personal hygiene, and my HR manager,
O god preserve me and send me home with ‘flu
From those that insist that I work without the sustenance of water or the easement of toilets
O Lord, constipate them until they get onto the tube home
For those who park without authorisation in disabled spaces
O God, strike them down. Now. I insist. Don’t argue – just do it. You know it makes sense.
Help me, O Lord, so that on the Day of Judgement and the Visit of the Auditors my teeth and my nails shineth britely, my files are up to date, my flies are done up, mine managers doth take the occasion seriously, our employees giveth not the snide answers and nobody runs down the Auditor with his Fork Lift Truck. And may the auditor look kindly upon me, though he knowest my faults without end. Wouldst a bottle of whiskey be of any help, thinkest thou ?
Amen
Leviticus chapter 25, verse 18 : Wherefore ye shall do my statutes, and keep my judgements, and do them; and ye shall dwell in the land in safety
Proverbs chapter 11, verse 14 : Where no counsel is, the people shall fall. But in the multitude of consellors there is safety
Psalms 23 : Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, may the Lord protect me.
Inshallah (just to be on the safe side)