Posted By EE Yesterday I received a call from the first aid room - sheer panic!! "Joe's had an accident ... his finger got caught in the unguarded machine .... looks like he's lost a finger" "Calm down - has the whole finger been amputated?" "No - its the ring finger next to it !!!"

Posted By Hazel Harvey Paul, The punchline of the 'God' joke, which is normally applicable to surgeons is 'God doesn't think he is God'! Hazel Harvey (in a totally unofficial capacity, as as yet I don't have to monitor the standards of humour of the profession (fortunately I think))!

Posted By Andrew Cartridge A safety officer died of food poisioning and found himself at the pearly gates. He was admitted to heaven. He saw saints, martyrs, philanthropists, and great good people with their harps and wings all being treated very well. To his surprise, he was given a golden harp, special five star cuisine, and a throne near God. He was treated much better than anyone else. He asked, Are all safety officers treated like this? He was answered, We don't know. You're the first one that's ever been here!

Posted By Philby' go to this link.... http://www.safetyphoto.co.uk/subsite2/index.htm Philby'

Posted By Paul Hay More of a consultant joke than H&S but here goes. 2 men having dinner in a swanky London restaurant. During the first course, one man drops his soup spoon on the floor. Quick as a flash a waiter appears, removes a clean spoon from his shirt pocket and gives it to the man. 'That was quick, how did you know I would drop my spoon?' asked the man. 'Well,' said the waiter 'we had some consultants in the other week and they calculated that on average 200 items are dropped every week. It takes on average 3 minutes to get a clean one meaning we lose hours every week. So we all carry spares with us now.' The rest of the meal passes off without incident until when paying the bill one of the men notices a piece of string hanging from the waiters flys. 'Whats that for?' asks the man. 'The same consultants calculated that the average waiter will go to the toilet 4 times in any one shift. This results in lost time washing hands after we have been. So now we pull our zip up and down using the string - hence no hygiene problem!' states the waiter. 'Very impressive!' replies the man 'But how do you get the old chap in and out of you trousers?' 'Well, you know that spoon...'

Posted By Philip Roberts A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left Wyoming, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains... "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Posted By Jeffrey Watt Definition of a consultant. Someone who knows everything there is to know about making love...but has never had a girlfriend. Jeff

Posted By Melanie Black The Accident A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So... You're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and Immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...." MORAL OF THE STORY: WOMEN ARE EVIL!!! Mel

Posted By Ali keep em coming - very funny !

Posted By Saracen11 Hi Paul, this is a true story (honest!)... on the way to work the other day, I noticed an ice cream van surrounded by police. I asked one of the bobbies what was going on? He told me the ice cream man had been found dead on the floor of his vehicle, covered in 100's & 1000's, chocolate chips and raspberry sauce... the bobby said, he couldn't be sure at this stage, but he thinks the bloke topped himself! Oh, and I remember investigating a fatality at the bread factory, in the fruit loaf department... a guy had fallen into a vat of liquid fruit bread mixture, he would have got out but he got dragged under by a strong current. Shame about England! Regards