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#1 Posted : 23 April 2014 15:21:07(UTC)
Rank: Forum user
score

Thanks to Graham I can now post humorous topics any time through the week!

True story.... I was visiting a client a few weeks ago and asked to see their Accident Book, there was only 1 report in it which I had to read 3 times before I realised what had happened and burst out laughing, the report read as follows; I was hit on the head 3 times with a hammer!!!

The client were beside themselves with embarrassment as I stated that wasn't an accident it was Assault!
The client than went on to mention that the Police were involved etc.....

Has anyone else had a similar experience and no I don't mean getting hit on the head with a hammer!!
safetyamateur  
#2 Posted : 23 April 2014 15:36:12(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
safetyamateur

Everyone knows it's three times on the ceiling or twice on the pipe. Either way it's a disciplinary.
Steve e ashton  
#3 Posted : 23 April 2014 15:56:24(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
Steve e ashton

best typo in an accident report I've seen: an electrician tried to use a large screwdriver to prize open a cable grip on the wall. The accident report identified he was using the wrong tool and this was gross male practice....

And the guy who suffered very painful chemical burns to his genitalia after visiting the loo... Whilst most of us might consider washing hands after using acids before using toilet - the foreman apparently believed the man should wear protective... I queried did he mean protective gloves and he gave me an "old fashioned" look. It weren't his hands that got burnt...
jontyjohnston  
#4 Posted : 23 April 2014 16:32:10(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
jontyjohnston

I remember investigating an accident where the IP stated he had been poked in the eye by a colleague.

As I started to interview him he stopped me and said (from memory!) "no its ok, it was just an accident, John (name changed to protect the guilty) didn't mean to poke me in the right eye, he was trying to poke me in the left one, it was just an accident.....?!

J
stevedm  
#5 Posted : 24 April 2014 07:46:28(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
stevedm

...PT severs finger during drilling operation...initially finger could not be found...was later found in mates pocket..He actually knew it was there but forgot about it...!!!???
lwthesm  
#6 Posted : 24 April 2014 09:56:09(UTC)
Rank: Forum user
lwthesm

Reading through old accident book I came across:
D was hit by flattage and knocked out. We chucked water in his face to bring him round. He was ok but we gave him a brandy from the pub across the road to make him feel better"!!
In fairness this was from the late 70's when times were very different!
Moderator 2  
#7 Posted : 25 April 2014 09:13:22(UTC)
Rank: Moderator
Moderator 2

It's Friday, so this topic is back.
safetyamateur  
#8 Posted : 25 April 2014 09:38:15(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
safetyamateur

Just pinned one to the Irony Corner of our noticboard:

"lady went to reach for the health and safety sheet which is in a box on the wall. Twisted right side on (sic) shoulder blade"
Canopener  
#9 Posted : 25 April 2014 09:41:40(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
Canopener

score wrote:
Thanks to Graham I can now post humorous topics any time through the week!

True story.... I was visiting a client a few weeks ago and asked to see their Accident Book, there was only 1 report in it which I had to read 3 times before I realised what had happened and burst out laughing, the report read as follows; I was hit on the head 3 times with a hammer!!!

The client were beside themselves with embarrassment as I stated that wasn't an accident it was Assault!
The client than went on to mention that the Police were involved etc.....

Has anyone else had a similar experience and no I don't mean getting hit on the head with a hammer!!


His name wasn't Pete Seeger was it? (Yes I am showing my age - as is Safetyamateur :-) )

Alternatively of course, it could also have been the lady in the remake of the Cohen Brothers Fargo, currently being serialised on C4 (the last episode to which I refer being available on 4OD)
Owen24  
#10 Posted : 25 April 2014 09:47:47(UTC)
Rank: Forum user
Owen24

I remember one where rather large chap had gone to the toilet and as he sat down the seat broke, on standing up the seat pinched him on the bottom and left a graze on his left bum cheek, no first aid required (actual wording)
SamJen1973  
#11 Posted : 25 April 2014 10:24:44(UTC)
Rank: Forum user
SamJen1973

Wasp sting reported as a Violence & Aggression incident!

Also, in one of our disabled children's services the report read "child had to get put down after she pulled my hair". I felt euthanizing her was a bit harsh and the naughty step might have been a more proportionate response! (context was that the staff member was lifting the child at the time - hence the 'put down')
gramsay  
#12 Posted : 25 April 2014 10:31:35(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
gramsay

I got an accident report from a catering assistant a couple of years ago which just said (in huge scrawly letters):

"STAB MY SELF"

That woke me up!
Safety Smurf  
#13 Posted : 25 April 2014 10:53:21(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
Safety Smurf

Owen24 wrote:
I remember one where rather large chap had gone to the toilet and as he sat down the seat broke, on standing up the seat pinched him on the bottom and left a graze on his left bum cheek, no first aid required (actual wording)


I had one similar last year. A chap was sat on the throne when one of the toilet seat bolts snapped and the seat slid off the bowl sideways.

Unfortunately he was "Wheels down" at the time!

Thankfully no permenant damage but it did cause a cut which bled.
L McCartney  
#14 Posted : 25 April 2014 11:22:55(UTC)
Rank: Forum user
L McCartney

'whilst proceeding in a southerly direction along xxx Street in pursuit of an alleged criminal I slipped on gravel and fell on my truncheon'

' while in the inflatable launch my dog bit my buttocks'

guess which service these came from?

Admittedly the dog was from the dog and cat home and the person was trying him out - he did keep him in the end!

Lilian
Mr.Flibble  
#15 Posted : 25 April 2014 11:25:57(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
Mr.Flibble

I once had an accident report for someone called 'Iver Risk' and it wasn't even a wind up!
Graham Bullough  
#16 Posted : 25 April 2014 11:51:37(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
Graham Bullough

SamJen's mention at #11 of aggression from a wasp reminds me of a report in the late 1980s about a ranger at a country park run by my then employer. The ranger had been wading through a shallow lake, a former mill lodge, looking for a very large pike which had been reported by local (fee-paying)anglers as causing problems for them and the lake's fish population. However, the pike found the ranger first - by biting one of his ankles! The ability of the pike to bite through the ranger's waders seemed to confirm the reports of its size by the anglers. As a postscript, my colleagues and I learned that the pike was successfully caught and removed from the lake about a week later and, thankfully, without injury to the park employees involved.
PIKEMAN  
#17 Posted : 25 April 2014 12:03:07(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
PIKEMAN

Sorry post#16 this sounds like an urban myth. As an experienced Pike fisherman (and why would anglers want to remove a Pike anyway - they are all part of the natural ecosystem?) I can tell you that pike simply would not attack any way. They never do. Ever. Now if you are inexperienced and put your hand in their mouth to unhook them......ouch! You use forceps, incidentally, and treat them firmly but gently. Lecture over, sorry to burst your bubble................
DP  
#18 Posted : 25 April 2014 12:47:39(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
DP

In a previous job the accident reporting system had 2 prompts, a) describe incident b) following actions.

on chap was stung by a wasp whilst loading a cardboard into a baler - in the following action section was written - ran around screaming!!!
russ pt  
#19 Posted : 25 April 2014 17:03:06(UTC)
Rank: Forum user
russ pt

I had one with a previous employer whereby an individual was cooking pasta for himself during his break on the night shift. When he dropped the pasta in the boiling water it splashed and scalded him. His supervisor carried out the investigation and recommended that the injured person bring sandwiches to work in future.
firesafety101  
#20 Posted : 25 April 2014 17:17:33(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
firesafety101

Here's one that some of you may not have seen?

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Roundtuit  
#21 Posted : 25 April 2014 20:07:06(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
Roundtuit

Firesafety.... Aren't these lyrics from the folksong "Dear Foreman... And that is why I won't be in work today'
firesafety101  
#23 Posted : 25 April 2014 20:43:45(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
firesafety101

Don't know roundtoit, do you think I've breached a copyright?

If so better get this deleted, Mods can you help?
Chris c  
#24 Posted : 25 April 2014 20:44:21(UTC)
Rank: Forum user
Chris c

I was working on a project as a project safety manager when I got a call that there had been an incident, the IP was on his way to the medical room I what greeted me was the IP with half of his index finger missing whilst the paramedic was holding his arm up in the air he decided to call his better half to explain what had happened you could hear his better half telling him to stop joking to which he replied it’s ok love it’s my left hand , funny old thing shock

chris
Roundtuit  
#25 Posted : 25 April 2014 21:07:44(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
Roundtuit

Google or other search engines show www.patwooksey.com "The Sick note". I think it was the Houghton Weavers in one of their BBC recordings which is where I will admit to knowing it from.
Graham Bullough  
#27 Posted : 26 April 2014 00:38:06(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
Graham Bullough

Pikeman - No apology needed from either you or me. The account at #14 in this humour thread simply relayed what was written on an accident/incident report. However, in the light of your expert knowledge, it's possible that the country park people sent the report as a joke. Anyhow, whether the circumstances were true or not, the report simply raised a smile at the time and certainly merited no action by us in the OS&H team.

Post #15 poses no doubts about its credibility because the surname Risk is relatively common in Scotland. It reminds me of observing or giving evidence during my HSE days in a number of OS&H court cases judged by a Sheriff with that surname. It could be added that he seemed very astute about the cases but, come to think of it, a good level of astuteness is surely necessary for assessing evidence in court.

After reading the scenario in #20 I intended to write that it's one of numerous adaptations of a monologue "The bricklayer's Lament" composed and first recited in 1958 by a highly talented musician/artist/humorist named Gerard Hoffnung. That version is widely available from the internet, for example at http://monologues.co.uk/004/Bricklayers_Story.htm However, from an internet delve I then read that Hoffnung got the story from a newspaper and that it had existed from the 1930s. Thank goodness I discovered this information because otherwise I might have faced a heinous charge of peddling an urban myth on this forum! :-)

It's tempting to wonder if the original story was based, even to a limited extent, on one or more actual events observed by or otherwise known to its writer. Also, from when I first heard the story as a youngster, I've been puzzled as to how the bricklayer twice managed to hoist a full barrel of bricks without any difficulty, but suffered a painful and traumatic ordeal when he tried to lower such a barrel ! :-/
chris42  
#28 Posted : 26 April 2014 10:28:11(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
chris42

From # 25 Also, from when I first heard the story as a youngster, I've been puzzled as to how the bricklayer twice managed to hoist a full barrel of bricks without any difficulty, but suffered a painful and traumatic ordeal when he tried to lower such a barrel !

He didn't both times it went up it was empty.
The first:-

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

The second:-
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks

Chris
Zyggy  
#29 Posted : 26 April 2014 11:30:03(UTC)
Rank: Super forum user
Zyggy

During my time in the gas industry I had cause to visit an employee at home who had been working at an above ground installation & had damaged a pipe resulting in an escape of natural gas.

As I was interviewing him, his wife started to interrupt & informed me that on the same evening they had cause to travel in their car when he started to break wind. She informed me that it was not his "normal wind" & likened it to leaving the pilot light unlit on the cooker!

I tried to give a professional response to her concerns whilst all the time wondering if I had stumbled on a new source of renewable energy....
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