An old one but this is my version of a Chritmas Greeting I roll out every few years...
Your Health and Safety Manager would like to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, so far as is reasonably practicable.
This Christmas greeting is given with no obligation and in no way shape or form constitutes a contract or warranty for the delivery of merriment or happiness or that the enormous turkey you only put in the oven at ten o’clock will be edible before Sunday. No liability is accepted and you set that Christmas pudding on fire entirely at your own risk.
You are reminded that you must take reasonable care for the merriment of yourselves and other persons and as regards any duty or requirement imposed on your household or any other person by or under any of the relevant statutory provisions, to co-operate so far as is necessary to enable long, tedious games of Trivial Pursuit that you never damn win to be performed or complied with. The naff paper hat that makes your head itch is classified as PPE and therefore compulsory – so put it on!
Furthermore, no person shall intentionally or recklessly interfere with or misuse anything provided in the interests of Christmas such as firing the little toy that came out of a cracker into Auntie Ethel’s custard.
Speaking of ‘misuse’, all hazardous substances, particularly large bottles containing alcohol, should be passed to the Health and Safety Manager for “testing”.
You should consume no more than a suitable and sufficient quantity of cake, trifle, mince pies and chocolates the term suitable and sufficient being defined in this instance as no greater than twice your own body weight, per day with the exception that no, you can’t have any at all until you eat that last Brussels sprout.
And don’t get me started on overweight old men landing sleds and scrambling around on roofs covered in ice and reindeer poo and going down chimneys with presents without a risk assessment, fall arrest equipment or even a simple Permit to Work!
Even furthermore, please accept under aforesaid waiver of liability, best wishes for a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated onset of the next calendar year of the Common Era.
This greeting should be reviewed annually or if there is reason to believe it is no longer valid.