Rank: Super forum user 
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I was watching a comedy program recently where the comedians were given a topic and could then approach the microphone and say something funny about the topic. The topics were of the nature “things that would not be said in a children’s TV program” or “ things a sports commentator would not say”. I thought it could make for some Friday stress relief for this forum, if the topic was:-
“Things that would not be said by a H&S professional”
I felt I ought to try and start this off, but could only come up with:-
“Would you like me to help you fill that accident claim form out?”
Thinking about this afterwards did make me wonder would it be such a bad idea, or even make it part of the employment contract, that if a claim is to be made that the employee must complete an internal form first (not stopping them claiming), but a chance to ask questions before they are coached by the solicitor. Possibly a separate discussion topic at some point.
Disclaimer –I am in no way suggesting that we are all a bunch of jokers, but I have witnessed on here a good sense of humour. I guess if it was a topical comment relating to how today (this week) is going even better.
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Rank: Forum user 
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How about...
'Honestly, you'll be alright if you do it quickly!'
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Rank: Super forum user
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"I've done it loads of times that way and its never hurt me!"
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Rank: New forum user
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How about
Yes M'lord I did advise him how to do it safety, but the guy's a [expletive deleted]!
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Rank: New forum user
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Wow
sorry I didnt realise that word was an expletive
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Rank: New forum user
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It's only a short climb up there, then a bit of a stretch - no problem.
We can tie a rope around your waste if you want?
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Rank: Super forum user
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"Go on I dare you to pull the plug on Bruce Springsteins mike, just say you did it for health and safety reasons"
or
"Don't bother with the ladder, just climb on the desk it's quicker that way and no one's looking......." :)
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Rank: Super forum user 
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If you weren't allowed to use the top rung on the ladder, they would have made it shorter...
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Rank: Super forum user
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You don't need ear protection, just don't listen to the noise...
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Rank: Forum user
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I say
'don't do as I do, do as I say'
often when I'm saying to people to go home if they're not feeling well and they reply that I don't go home so why advise that they should!
Lilian
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Rank: Super forum user 
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But we're only here to advise....!
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Rank: Super forum user 
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Is that a hard hat in your clipboard or are you pleased to see me?
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Rank: Super forum user
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Rank: Super forum user
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m wrote:Is that a hard hat in your clipboard or are you pleased to see me? I wish we could edit our posts!! I meant to say... Is that a clipboard in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?
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Rank: Super forum user
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"Course its switched off, wet your fingers and stick them on the terminals if you don't believe me"
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Rank: Super forum user
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"stop prattling on about a licence just get in and drive the ------- thing"
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Rank: Super forum user
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"Of course a tagging gun doesn't hurt, feel"
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Rank: Super forum user
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m wrote:"The content of this message can't be displayed at this time" Sorry Mods - just paraphrasing Blackadder's Lord Flasheart!
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Rank: Super forum user
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Oh, go on then while no-one is looking - but don't say I said it was OK!
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Rank: Forum user
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Something you wouldn't say to a moderator #14
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Rank: Forum user
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m wrote:m wrote:"The content of this message can't be displayed at this time" Sorry Mods - just paraphrasing Blackadder's Lord Flasheart! ha ha - If it's the one Im thinking of, a great one to wake up a training session!
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Rank: Super forum user
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What comprehensive Health and Safety considerations..... Thank you design team!'
'Your Construction Phase Plan has satisfied the requirements of CDM first time.... well done!'
'Yes, closing your eyes whilst diamond cutting ceramic tiles, instead of wearing goggles should be fine!'
'Client, that's plenty enough money to do the job properly and thanks for such a generous programme!'
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Rank: Forum user
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Yes Prime Minister, you're absolutely right, this health and safety nonsense is a monstrous burden to business ...
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Rank: Super forum user
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Yes, carbon tetrachloride is the best thing ever to wash your hands with.
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Rank: Forum user
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So Mr Blogs, You've injured your hand and just had stitches? Well it's standard procedure now for you to read and sign the Health and Safety Induction regarding hazards on site. If you don't sign then we cannot let you back.
A true story as it happened to me few years ago as a young bloke who had never been on a construction site before. Obviously I didn't sign but was sacked, Ah well my solicitor did a good job.
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Rank: New forum user
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Oh well then thats my job done here, you wont be needing my advice anymore, everyone is as healthy and safe as they are ever going to be...
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Rank: Forum user
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Give it a go...what's the worse that can happen?
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Rank: Super forum user
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Of course it not RIDDOR reportable, he technically wasn’t working at the time of the injury, he was too busy falling from where he was supposed to be working.
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Rank: Super forum user
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"Yes, go ahead and break up that factory roof, you can walk on the purlins, it's only white asbestos (I think)........that's the safe one, you should be fine with a hankie over your nose if you find the dust too irritating. Brush the bits up and toss them into the open skip then tip it along the bridleway round the corner. Just be sure to hose the remaining debris down the drain and leave the place clean. I'll be back in a week or two to see how you are getting on".
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Rank: Forum user
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Don't bother with the fume cupboard, I'm sure you can hold your breath long enough for that little job.
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Rank: Super forum user
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I'm sure there IS an upper temperature limit for the workplace and yes it is too hot you can all go home!
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Rank: Forum user
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Should we warn him about that gap in the scaffold?
no no get the video camara am gonna youtube this baby.
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Rank: Forum user
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Yes this is the definition of a RIDDOR reportable injury that us safety professionals all agree on ...........
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Rank: Forum user
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“Yes the MSDS sheet will do as a COSHH assessment”
“REACH is easy to understand”
“I am an expert in all matters relating to health, safety and environment”
“Of course that machine is safe, look you can see the CE mark”
Of course its load beari
i
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n
g
Ouch!
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Rank: Forum user
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Auto formatting didn't help with the last one on my list (have to use your imagination to move the bottom 6 lines to the right a bit.
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Rank: Super forum user
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Boy, am I popular today!
I'd love a cuppa tea, thanks Mr Site Manager, just 'one lump' please! I'm just off for a wash, where are the site toilets!
Jeeeez, that CSCS H&S test was tough...... and worth while!
Hydrogen Sulphide smells at first but don't worry, you'll get used to it!
I always wanted to be a H&S Professional.
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Rank: Forum user
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"Well Mr Director,...Since we have cracked this zero harm safety lark, and are now 20m hours without incident, with a culture thats the blueprint for all industries, my work here is done....I.ll get ma coat"
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Rank: Forum user
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"Quick, go and get a Hi-Viz and hard hat from the locker room and get them on him before the ambulance turns up !"
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Rank: Super forum user 
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When interviewing someone post accident the words 'just' and 'only' are the familiar antecedent ie 'I was just helping out' and 'I only did it that way because...I never use them now.
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Rank: Super forum user 
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No honestly boss I am paid more than enough already give the extra money to charity on my behalf.
Yes I have plenty of spare time on my hands to take on ...... security, enviro, cleaning... (you get the idea)
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