I haven't had much time to look on this site lately and am disappointed in the lack of a Friday thread, come on lads and lasses and you Zimmy sort it out!

Dug this out recently so I thought I'd share it with you as it's Friday. Can't have Sean going home all dejected and starting on the xmas spirit.

DRILL PRESS = A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL = Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, s !"
SKILL SAW = A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS = Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER = An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW = One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS = Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH = Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW = A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK = Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW = A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the waste bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST = A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER = Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER = A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR = A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
HOSE CUTTER = A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER = Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE = Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

I don't know what happened to the Friday threads.

Over moderated??

Too many forum members with a sense of humour bypass???

Or just difficult times????

The 'who are you' has a touch of the Friday threads about it at points (sorry that might have been my fault for pointing out my status as international woman of mystery).....just keep it quiet in case someone reports us to the Mods and feels the need to remind us that H&S is a serious subject and we should be ashamed of ourselves for having a sense of humour! ;-)

Clairel’s Calypso


Oh this island in the sun
Built for me with zimmy’s hand
All the time he deserved a rise
For the fantastic job zimmy did with the sand

As morning breaks, the clouds on high
I lift my heavy bike up high
Sun comes down with a burning glow
Causing my sweat to drip to the ground below

Oh this island in the sun
Built for me with zimmy’s hand
All the time he deserved a rise
For the fantastic job zimmy did with the sand

I saw Graham Bullough climbing a tree
Picking coconut for his family
I saw chris42 by the water-side
Laying about in the rising tide

Oh this island in the sun
Built for me with zimmy’s hand
All the time he deserved a rise
For the fantastic job zimmy did with the sand

I saw Heather Collins up another tree
Taking photo’s for Steveeckersley
I see John J having a donkey ride
Trying to catch fish in the swelling tide

Oh this island in the sun
Built for me with zimmy’s hand
All the time he deserved a rise
For the fantastic job zimmy did with the sand

I hope the day will never come
That this thread will never get locked when they’re feeling glum
And I will never miss the carnival
With this calypso song being so philosophical

Oh this island in the sun
Built for me with zimmy’s hand
All the time he deserved a rise
For the fantastic job zimmy did with the sand

I am really moved by this. So much so that I have taken the guitar from the wall and put the thing to music (only four chords and a bit of twelve bar blues but it works)

This is the IOSH tune of the year. We may even take it to youtube and make some money? Clairel an Sean on vocals?

Flipping brill

Rob x

Fire and safety = gods

chris42's mention of 'difficult times' and 'food chain' above reminds me of visiting a book shop recently and seeing a book with the title " How to cook your cat". Even though austerity affects many aspects of life at present my immediate thought was that anything which encouraged people to cook their pets was far too drastic! However, I was then very relieved to realise that the book's cover was partially obscured by a shelf support and find that its actual title was "How to cook for your cat". :-)

I relate this tale mainly in support of my contention that we need more humour (to suit all tastes) not less in order to help sustain us through difficult times.

Some other points.

I'm not against Friday fun threads, just the fact that they tend to get locked soon after they are started. I need time to think about possible names for the IOSH group of islands (possibly as variants of the word 'archipelago') as requested by chris42, but that this thread will get locked before I can post them.

Also I would offer to play my accordion to join Zimmy on his guitar to accompany renderings of Clairel's Calypso, but consider myself as a mediocre player and thus more likely to help disperse than attract an audience. :-(