I am told that a fat bloke dressed in red is on his way to every household tonight. He will be handling heavy items at height without a harness or safety shoes. He will arrive with reindeer who may poop on local pavements causing a slip hazard. He will also attempt to work in the confined space of your chimney! I have informed HSE that they should issue a fixed fee notice at the very least but they didn't seem interested. In fact they said it was nothing to do with Elf and safety and simply laughed. My wife tells me it is too early in the day to start drinking but I am not convinced.

Martin Just hope nobody takes you to task for referring to the bloke as 'fat' ! It's not that long ago that NICE (National Institute for Health and Care Excellence) apparently advised NHS doctors not to refer to overweight patients as 'obese' in case it might offend them. In view of this I'm not sure what term is acceptable nowadays. Perhaps "circumferentially challenged" might do! Anyhow, another problem you could add to your list is that while undertaking his work (including driving a sleigh and controlling a bunch of reindeer) the bloke is likely to be highly intoxicated because of the custom in many households for glasses of sherry (or other alcohol) to be left out for him. Therefore, in the interests of safety, surely households expecting a visit should desist from plying him with alcohol. Also, for the sake of the bloke's health, they should desist from plying him with mince pies which, along with the alcohol, might well be a significant cause of the bloke's rotundity! In turn, if the bloke could be helped to slim down considerably, he would have far less problem negotiating chimneys!!! :-)

I am deeply sorry ( not really ) if I have upset any fat people or started heads shaking in disgust at NICE. However, being a fat bloke myself I speak with some knowledge on the subject at hand and I thought fat was better than "chubby" or "lardy". My Christmas best wishes to all of you regardless of colour, size, religion, sexual orientation etc etc etc. Now, where did my wife hide the corkscrew?

I was once told that I have a profile of respectability but I know I just have a fat belly. Happy Christmas to all, however you choose to mark (or not) tomorrow.

That very same person will be attending my humble abode tonight, as he has done for the past 65 years or so, despite me moving house 5 times he always manages to find me. I will be leaving him the customary whisky, mince pie with carrot and milk for Rudolph. The plate is always empty the following morning, that is except for the empty mince pie case and end of carrot with Rudolph's teeth marks haha. Oh and there is magic dust (tastes like icing sugar to me) also left behind. I think he doesn't really use chimneys as a means of entry, not in my house anyway as I don't have one. May I suggest "plus BMI" would be acceptable to call him and others, some will not know the meaning so we would get away with it haha. Merry Christmas to all my readers and a Happy and Prosperously safe New Year.