Posted By Ken Taylor
Has anyone received the following item that seems to be doing the e-mail rounds? No doubt Jeremy Clarkson will enjoy this (if he didn't start it).
Subject: "TRAFALGAR.... A P C BATTLE" (No, not that sort of P C)
> "Order the signal, Hardy."
> "Aye, aye sir."
> "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
> "Sorry sir?"
> "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.
> "What gobbledygook is this?"
> "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
> "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
> "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
> "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
> "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
> "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
> "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
> "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
> "That won't be possible, sir."
> "What?"
> "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
> "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
> "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
> "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
> "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
> "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
> "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
> "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
> "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
> "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
> "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
> "What? This is mutiny."
> "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
> "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
> "Actually, sir, we're not."
> "We're not?"
> "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
> "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
> "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
> "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
> "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
> "Don't tell me - health and safety Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
> "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
> "What about sodomy?"
> "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir"
> "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."