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Posted By Merv Newman
Sorry everyone, but have received a private e-mail asking for the intemediate steps between level 1 and level 10 of the "conkers risk assessment potential" (CRAP) scale.
If you remember, level one was "exposure minimal, sometimes a good case of the runs can do you a power of good"
Level ten was "exposure minimal, we are all going to die !"
There may have been some misunderstaning here, but there are NO intermediate levels. Simple application of chaos theory to health and safety will indicate that it is perfectly normal to go from a stable situation (sunshine, to tornadoes over watford) for little or no reason. This same theory is perfectly applicable to conkers, fruit trees and duck ponds. So going from level 1 straight to level 10 is to be expected.
Other mathematical models are also applicable to H&S. Consider the Mandelbrot series. The H&S MB series indicates that the reiteration (saying the same thing to management over and over again) will be done in a smaller and smaller voice until it terminates in an infinitely small, self-pityingly sigh.
Enough. I feel as if I have been hit over the head with a square root. Actually I'm about 1° minus. Off to bed said zebedee.
Discuss
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Posted By Frank Hallett
Good evening Merv.
Deja phiew, Dr Who and creases in the fabric of the cosmic rune also all have a part to play; especially when asked the same question in 45 different ways but giving the same answer - which the recipient simply doesn't wish to understand.
Sleep well, Dylan will be along with his happy stuff shortly.
Frank Hallett
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Posted By Robert K Lewis
Come on Florence is going to be so unhappy with you sleepy heads.
Anyone knows that if it takes a week to walk a fortnight in ten days then we are always like the worm crawling through molasses with our legs tied.
Its how we make our living - telling people, who don't want to hear, that they need to do something they don't want to do. We simply need some new tools!!!
The last is what is keeping me from happy land. But the other thread is right that we can be caught out if we get involved in the public battle. But like me Lawrence has been around a long time and the hide of a Hippopotamus is delicate compared to ours.
Bob
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Posted By Nick TM Patience
This seems to me to be an expression of Murphy's or sod's law rewritten within an Occupational health and safety paradigm.
So the likelihood of the buttered side of a slice of toast or bread hitting the floor buttered side up is inversely proportional to the cost of the floor covering (if not easily cleaned). Alternatively this can sometimes be more conveniently expressed as: "The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of the oncoming train."
You may also be interested in Cole's Law which is 3 parts finely shredded cabbage to 1 part carrot in mayo.
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Posted By Ron Young
Thank goodness we're now a Chartered Institution and the level of postings beginning to reflect this new status...
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Posted By Hilary Charlton
So , that'll be 42 then!
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Posted By Paul Adams
Clearly a case of "The m ayes have it"
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Posted By MichaelM
Life is risky, H&S is riskier!
So long and thanks for all the fish!
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Posted By Heather Collins
I will have one of whatever you were drinking please Merv.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off in the interests of ecomony.
We are the unwilling led by the unknowing, doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little, that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
Wibble, fish, banana.
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Posted By chrys r martin
I must admit to being somewhat confused, I thought that protocol demanded that the word "wibble" should be repeated, ie in the example by Heather above, it should read ..."wibble-wibble,fish,banana". Keep A Lert - this profesion needs more "Lerts"
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Posted By MichaelM
and to think that "normal people" - those not of the H&S profession (if that is indeed what it is), say we don't have a sense of humour and are boring B********. yes blaggards.
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Posted By Jim Walker
Is there evidence in this thread, that H&S people have a sense of humour?
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Posted By MichaelM
We all moved into H&S to help the people who don't want to be helped!! What other evidence do you need?!?
Exterminate!
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Posted By Heather Collins
Chrys
You're quite right, I apologise for my erroneous quoting of the well-known wibble principle (wibble wibble) Everyone knows that as soon as you look in the box the wibble will immediately decay and produce a wibble and an anti-wibble - that's why it's best to take the money (not open the box) although probably not in this profession.
Jumping to hyperspace in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, JUMP
Heather
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Posted By Richard Chalkley
Heather,
Never did like that jump into hyperspace - Feels unpleasantly like being drunk.
Richard.
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Posted By chrys r martin
Wibble control to all outbased wibble units, we have been discovered, - self destruct in unison! (in or out of the box)
I'm going 'ome now, me 'ead 'urts!
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Posted By Merv Newman
At this time of the working day I find that a large Aberlore (no ice thankyou) is of great help. The hotel I'm staying at today, close to Chateau Chantilly, usually gives me one free.
Zuuum, zuuum, zuuum next stop Normandy (calvados country)
Sleep well
Merv
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Posted By chrys r martin
Further consideration, and reference to several "Tomes" on the subject of the decaying Wibble, (wibble-wibble), lead me to question the rather simplistic representation quoted earlier by Heather. When the wibble decays, it produces a positively charged component, (posiwibble), and a negatively charged component, (wibbleon). Current investigations by the university of Wibbleton indicate, that by use of their wibble accelerator, a third partical may exist. This is of high mass but low volume and it is hoped that slow speed acceleration (hamster in cage providing power source, - somthing all H & S personnel can empathise with), its existance can be confirmed. This would be a revelation and change the status of the 3 Monkeys hypothesis into a Syndrome.
For those not familiar, it is quoted below:
Don't tell me what I don't want to know, I might have to do something about it!
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Posted By Jim Walker
Mr Moderator,
Please impose a life BAN on these people!
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Posted By Heather Collins
Mr Walker
Please proceed immediately to the stores and request to be issued one sense of humour.
Richard - I believe the next line is "what's unpleasant about being drunk?" response - "ask a glass of water"
Chrys - I think I followed that, and I'm quite sure you're right. I think I'll still take the money
Heather
In case anyone's wondering, I am the poster formerly known as Heather Aston and no I haven't got married - quite the reverse in fact - but you may still congratulate me if you wish. Wibble wibble
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Posted By Richard Chalkley
To the artist formerly known as Aston,
Glad to see that someone can descend to the same level that I occupy...
Wibble, wibble,
Richard.
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Posted By MichaelM
I've just signed up to the NEBOSH National General Certificate "A Guide to Occupational Health and Safety at Wibble"! As several of you have the advanced dipploma in Wibble Mania can you point me in the direction of any good Wibble sites as I want to gain my qualifications in Wibble time!
Also think the title to the thread should now be bonkers not conkers!
A good Wibble to you all.
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Posted By Iain Milne
Thank you Gilly for the Wibbles link, I needed that.
Incidentally does Sanity require regular statutory retesting since my Certificate of Sanity from the local asylum is now some years old
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Posted By Heather Collins
Iain
That all depends...
Did you get the new level 4 sanity certificate or do you still claim grandfather rights as a holder of the old level 3?
If the former then you will be OK for another six months and will then automatically gain chartered wibble status which exempts you from the need to seek re-certification for a further five years.
If you still have the old level 3, then bad news I'm afraid - it's not recognised at all and you will have to start again from scratch as you've now missed the period in which to apply for exemption on the grounds that you are totally mad anyway.
This will involve you retaking all the exams you've passed (or not) in the last millenium and then being verbally examined by the board of the wibble asylum, who as you probably recall never ask the question that they actually want the answer to.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of such bad news, but the details of this change have been clearly published on a small piece of paper which was then filed away in the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet in the basement of your local wibble association branch on Alpha Centauri. Really you know if members can't be bothered to make such a short journey - really only a very small hyperspace jump - to look up readily available information then there is no hope for the human race at all
Heather
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Posted By Richard Chalkley
WARNING:
The artist formerly known as Aston is clearly a Vogon in Safety Professionals clothing.
Do not under any circumstances ask her to read some of her poetry.
Richard.
P.S. Sing along with me "I'm going slightly mad, I'm going slightly mad..."
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Posted By MichaelM
Especially "An Ode to a Lump of Green Putty I found under my Armpit one Midsummers Morning"
Dent Arthur Dent or am I Ford Prefect? I can never quite remember after eating so much wibble.
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Posted By Heather Collins
Richard
There's nothing wrong with my poetry - would you rather be put out of the airlock?
What do you mean yes? There's no infinite improbability drive ship to save you in this universe you know.
Anyway, if you listen carefully, you might appreciate the counterpoint to the surrealism of the underlying metaphor.
Heather
It won't stop me demolishing your puny little planet you know - oh no.
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Posted By Lilian McCartney
This is great stuff guys, keep it up. My wibble consumption at my age has prevented me from replying til now.
I've just discovered something which I think may help mankind. It's round and has a hole in the middle - actually a spark has defeated my senility and I've realised that I ate a lot of these during my exams! Can you still get polos or they only in car format now?
Good wibbles to you all
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Posted By chrys r martin
Michael M
I'm afraid that if you have not picked up by now that it is "Wibble-Wibble" NOT "Wibble", then you are in for a hard time attempting any such qualification at these dizzy heights of profesionalism.
I do however wish you every sucess in your chosen area of insanity.
Wibble-Wibble
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Posted By MichaelM
Hi Chrys
I have to humbly apologise.
I of course in my excitemeny used the local coloqualism "Wibble" instead of the grammatically correct Wibble Wibble with both W's being capital letters as required by the original King Wibble the first. It started off as Wibble but out of respect (a bit like "New York New York" as in the song) they named him twice when chanting his majestic name.
Scientist in later years started to use it in the naming of elements such as posiwibble, antiwibble and neutowibble and hence the use of the capital W is sometimes dropped.
Did anyone see the NASA clip of the washing machine they fire at the asterwibble?
Does anyone else hear the music from the twilight zone?
Mikeywibble
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Posted By chrys r martin
Hi Mikeywibble,
To achieve true mastery in the art of "Wibbling", one must practice daily, until one achieves enlightenment.Thus earning the right to walk about with ones underpants on ones head (preferably clean ones, most definitely NOT someone elses),this thereby qualifies one to "Wibble" (Wibble-Wibble) at ones inferiors!
over and out
regards
Chrys
PS- turn off that Bl**dy music!
Wibble-Wibble etc etc
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Posted By jackw.
As the mayor of some city (raw fish hint) said "whit was that loud flash, bang, wallop.. all about"?
Been rambling through. Got to say I have never been “unpleasantly” drunk.. but confess being under the influence has had me (in my youth I hasten to add) awake next to some “unpleasant sights”!!!
Repeat “unpleasant sights”
What’s the line (no train pun intended) oh yes -- keep right on until the end of the road (assuming of course the possibility of it being an edge to fall off has been risk assessed). Problem of course for most of us as we can’t get the bugg..s onto the road!
Now where is that “bouncing” person (zebeddie .. probably get 200 wrong spellink replies), with my night time medication.. hmmmmm. Must be all the repetition or is it that disease I can’t remember that I have got ???
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Posted By MichaelM
So anyway conkers! We aren't allowed poetry but what about a Vogon song about conkers?
"They Wibble to the right
They Wibble to the left
They Wibble Wibble Wibble at the end of a string"
Three Wibbles I know but that is songwriters licence!
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Posted By Gilly Margrave
Heather; Michael,
I am sorry to inform you your poetic licence is due for renewal - please ensure you have sufficient Cr*p Poetry Development points to proceed.
Gilly
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Posted By MichaelM
Master Gilly
I am a mere Padewan and I bow at your feet oh Jedi Master of the Poetic Arts. Please pass on some of your poetic wisdom!?!
Remember that H&S is the light side and the anti H&S forces arranged against us are the dark side.
Padewan Mikeywibble
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Posted By Lynchy
How Do
Can you eat a Wibble then?? Would that be a Wibble Nibble??
Once, a conker fell on my head!!
Lynchy
NB That Merv - do you think he ought to see someone??
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Posted By Heather Collins
Gilly
I am pleased to inform you that I have only recently renewed my Registration of Superb Poets by returning the forms to Vogon poetry control - the Inquisitors Of Supreme Harmony.
You know - the foms where you have to list all the poems you've written over the last two years. Every time I mean to write them down as I go along and every time I end up in month 25 of the 24 month cycle desperately trying to remember the words to the brilliant epic I wrote two years previously.
Somone told me that they were shutting down the old poets register and we'd all have to have some new-fangled poets Charter thingy. I expect we'll have to write some very special poetry for that. I'll go and get started.....
Talking of started, I bet you wish you hadn't Merv when you see this thread. Good to know we still maintain a sense of humour (and poetry)
Heather
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Posted By Robert K Lewis
The good thing about the new fangled poets corner is that you just need to keep adding some words to the epic on a regular basis so that Vogon control can update its guide to the universe regularly and not two yearly as present. That way things will alWibbbleWibble be up to date
Bob
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Posted By MichaelM
Its just as well that we have all had babel fish implanted in our ears to understand all of this Wibblish!
Live Wibblish and Prosper
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