Posted By John Webster
Given the subject matter, I thought I would share a variation on an old poem which I cobbled together for my workplace this week. Some of the references will be familiar to those in the NHS, others are to local personalities, but I hope the H&S bits will raise a few smiles.
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
adapted by John Webster
with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Ward
not a person was working we couldn't afford;
The new job descriptions had been written with care,
In hopes that a pay-rise soon would be there;
The patients were nestled all snug in their beds,
while the effects of Spirigel spun round in their heads;
And staff in the theatre, in boots, gown and cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out in the car park there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tripped over a cable and fell with a crash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my now blackened eyes should appear,
But a shiny white van, and four engineers,
With a little old driver, so lively and trim,
I knew in a moment it must be our Jim.
More rapid than eagles his porters they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Alan, now, Mark, now, Garry and Neil
On, Willie, on Danny, on Ewan and Bill!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Put up the scaffold, we don't want him to fall!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the rooftop they hoisted the gifts,
to make sure he didn't do manual lifts.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each reindeer hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
down the fire stairs St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He wore full PPE, from his head to his feet,
his clothing was thermal and resistant to heat;
He had harness and safety line, all the best kit,
and in his pocket, the top copy of a confined entry permit.
His eyes -- well protected with high impact visor,
I thought he'd had words with the Safety Adviser!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And his boots sported crampons for walking in snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his hand
he just couldn't light it - smoking was banned;
With accessory belt strapped round his belly,
which shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
With wink of his eye he showed me a disc,
on which he had filed his assessments of risk;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his task,
filled all the stockings and drank from his flask,
And having delivered the very last gift,
rose back to the roof on a hydraulic lift.
He sprang to his sleigh, like the down of a thistle,
but before they could leave, someone blew the whistle.
I saw a flashing blue light; a breath test was requested
and for drinking and driving St. Nick was arrested;
But I heard him exclaim, ere he went from our sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."