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#1 Posted : 26 May 2006 07:26:00(UTC)
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Posted By Andrew Cartridge Dear IOSH & IODE members In the light of recent career postings, I thought that the following translations might assist any prospective job seekers to cut through the corporate jargon. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": (translation) We have no time to train you & you'll have to introduce yourself to your colleagues. "COMPETITIVE SALARY": (translation) We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE": (translation) Who still live with their parents and won't mind our student -level salaries. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": (translation) We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well. A couple of the really daring blokes wear earrings. "JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM": (translation) We all listen to loony motivational tapes. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": (translation) You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": (translation) Some time each night & some time each weekend. "DUTIES WILL VARY": (translation) Anyone in the office can boss you around. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": (translation) We have no quality control. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": (translation) We've filled the job; our call for CV’s is just a legal formality. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": (translation) You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": (translation) You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": (translation) Management communicates, you listen, figure out what the hell they want, and do it. Discuss Bestest Andy
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#2 Posted : 26 May 2006 08:50:00(UTC)
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Posted By lewes As its Friday...... A Rabbit walks into a pub...
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.... .....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!! One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house". The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?" "I DIED", said the Rabbit. "NO!" said the barman,"what from". After a short pause. The rabbit said... "Mixin'-me-toasties".
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#3 Posted : 26 May 2006 09:08:00(UTC)
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Posted By Peter MacDonald I think that the AUG's should reflect that on a Friday it's OK to make people laugh. Both the above made me smile. Now off to audit a demolition site in the rain and cold! Pete
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#4 Posted : 26 May 2006 09:13:00(UTC)
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Posted By Janette Draper Andy - you are spot on mate! Re the rabbit - pmsl and here's a quickie that arrived this morning... Eight Words with two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing cricket without a box. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. Happy Friday everyone...
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