Posted By Stupendous Man These things always make me smile - anyone remember the Jasper Carrott sketch from a number of years back where he quoted funny lines from motor insurance claims?

Posted By Ron Young How about these Some of the finest double entendre's on British TV & Radio Michael Buerk watching Philippa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts" Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining up shots at the Scottish Open, "some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself" Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports. "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets" Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards tyres on World Superbikes. "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier and I bet he wished he had a hard on now" Chris Tarrant discussing the first millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning. "She was practising fastest finger by herself in bed last night" Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead, "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees" Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond. "Well, Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg" During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed. "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green" Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe. "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off" Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said, "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this" James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked, What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello" Steve Ryder covering the US Masters. "Ballesteros felt much better today after 69" The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scotts breath away. "My word, he said, look at that magnificent erection" Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said. "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions" Steve Leonard talking about vegetation on Vets in the Wild, told Trude Mostue. "There's something big growing between my legs" Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said. "You'd eat Beaver if you could get it" David Coleman observing the great Cuban 800 metre runner Alberto Juanterina. "He just opened his legs and showed his class"

Posted By Ron Young Or these Real Questions And Answers From past GCSE papers English Define the word 'monotony.' Monotony is being married to the same person all your life. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. What does the word 'benign' mean? Benign is what you will be after you be eight. What is the correct use of a semi-colon? Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the intestines. Technology What is a turbine? Something an Arab wears on his head. History What is Britain's highest award for valour in war? Nelson's column. R. I. Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son? The fatted calf. What is a Hindu? It lays eggs. Name some famous pilgrimages. Muslims used to go to Gamages but now it's closed. Christians still go on pilgrimage to Lord's. Geography Name the four seasons. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. What is the equator? A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming? Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. How is dew formed? The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. What is a planet? A body of earth surrounded by sky. What causes the tides in the oceans? The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. What is a fossil? A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. Biology What happens to your body as you age? When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. Premature death. What is artificial insemination? When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. How can you delay milk turning sour? Keep it in the cow. How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.) The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I, O and U Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch the meat onto. What is the Fibula? A small lie. Where are the Tibia? They live in a country in North Africa. What does 'varicose' mean? Nearby. What is the most common form of birth control? Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.' The caesarean section is a district in Rome. What is the alimentary canal? The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. What is a coma? A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop. What is a seizure? A Roman emperor. What is a terminal illness? When you are sick at the airport. Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each? A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars and eight cuspidors. Sociology What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. In a democratic society, how important are elections? Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. What is a social node? A friend you have known for a very long time. Medical What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been immobilised in a road accident? Rape them tight in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea. What is artificial respiration commonly known as? The kiss of death. What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water? 1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination. 2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. How can you help someone who has fainted? 1. Rub the person's chest or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. 2. Put its head between the knees of the nearest doctor. What are steroids? Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed? 1. Circumcision. 2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops. How would you treat a head cold? Use an agonised to spray the nose until it drops into your throat. What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog? Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. What has to be established before giving a blood transfusion? If the blood is affirmative or negative. How should you remove dust from the eye? Pull the eye down over the nose. What is an enema? Someone who is not your friend. Psychology What is a morbid state? A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made. Botany What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo? The rectum. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. What is rhubarb? A kind of celery gone bloodshot. Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised. 1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. 2. Germination is the process of becoming a German. 3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments. Chemistry A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. Physics What is momentum? What you give a body when they are going away. What is a vacuum. A large empty space where the pope lives. What is a magnet? Something you find crawling on a dead cat.

Posted By Andrew Cartridge Here is a Hard Hat Exemption Policy.......use wisely The HSE requires head protection for employees working in areas where there is a possible danger of head injury from impact, or from falling or flying objects or from electrical shock or burns. There is an option of qualifying for “Hard Hat Exemption”. It works like this. Basically, if your head meets the U.K. Government standard for head protection, you don’t need to wear a hard hat. The testing of your head will include the following: 1. A 24-hour water immersion test. Maximum permitted absorption is 0.5% by weight. The company must supply water for 24 hours free of charge. 2. Passing that, an impact test will be conducted. While lying horizontally with your head resting on a 0.75 inch steel plate. Then an 8 lb steel ball will be dropped several times from a height of 50 feet. You will only pass this if there is no damage to your head. 3. Next, your head will be subjected to a variety of acids, solvents, oils and industrial gases. There must be no deformities or obvious colour changes to your head for it to gain a pass. 4. To determine your head’s fire resistance, it will be submitted to a Propane torch for 5 minutes. If it is only slowly burning, you may achieve only a class A or B rating. If there are any holes in your head, it will restrict you to a class B rating. 5. For the final test, you must sustain for 3 minutes, 2200V 5011z AC, with a leakage current not exceeding 9 mA. Breakdown threshold has been established at 3000,000 volts. REMEMEBER …… unless you receive an Exemption, you must continue to wear your hard hat. Not wearing your hard hat is a privilege given only to those who undergo and obtain the above certification.