Posted By Joe Doc Seasons Greetings to all fellow posters, I know it's not friday and I hope I'm not in breach of the rules but here'e a few Tommy Cooper classic lines to lighten your day! >>>Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married >>> >>>The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. >>> >>>Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." >>> >>>"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " >>> >>>"Is it common? " >>> >>>"It's not unusual." >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. >>> >>>"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " >>> >>>"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" >>> >>>So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. >>> >>>Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." >>> >>>"What? Because he's cross-eyed? " >>> >>>"No, because he's really heavy" >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." >>> >>>"Well you can't say fairer than that then" >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! >>>------------------------------------------------------------------ >>> >>>So I went to the dentist. >>> >>>He said "Say Aaah." >>> >>>I said "Why?" >>> >>>He said "My dog's died.'" >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>> >>>"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said >>> >>>'Who's speaking please?' >>> >>>And a voice said 'You are.'" >>>------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>So I rang up my local swimming baths. >>> >>>I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' >>> >>>He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'" >>>------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>"So I rang up a local building firm, >>> >>>I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' >>> >>>He said 'I'm not stopping you.' >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And >>> >>>there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. >>> >>>It's either my mum or my dad. >>> >>>Or my older brother Colin. >>> >>>Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. >>> >>>But I think it's Colin. >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, >>>and he said >>> >>>'You've been promoted.' >>> >>>And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said >>> >>>"You've been promoted again.' >>> >>>And I swerved again. >>> >>>He rang up a third time and said >>> >>>'You're managing director.' >>> >>>And I went into a tree. >>> >>>And a policeman came up and said >>> >>>'What happened to you?' >>> >>>And I said 'I careered off the road. >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? >>> >>>The one I was in went back and forwards. >>> >>>I thought 'This is unusual'. >>> >>>And the dentist said to me >>> >>>Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.' >>>--------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you >>>give me a lift?" >>> >>>I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other >>> >>>"Does this taste funny to you?" >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, >>> >>>and the other was eating fireworks. >>> >>>They charged one and let the other one off. >>>------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. >>> >>>They left a little note on the windscreen, >>> >>>it said >>> >>>'Parking Fine.' >>> >>>So that was nice." >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>A man walked into the doctors, >>> >>>The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " >>> >>>The man replied "I know I've been ill" >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>A man walked into the doctors, >>> >>>he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" >>> >>>The doctor said "well don't go to those places" >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. >>> >>>He wasn't very happy. >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I >>> >>>couldn't find any. >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a >>> >>>month for the next 2 years. >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one >>> >>>of them would have seen it. >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Phone answering machine message - >>> >>>...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..." >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he >>> >>>couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. >>> >>>He said, "No, the steaks are too high." >>>--------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. >>> >>>A strong currant pulled him in. >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. >>> >>>He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" >>> >>>The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the >>> >>>craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your >>>kayak >>> >>>and heat it. >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered >>> >>>with hundreds and thousands. >>> >>>Police say that he topped himself. >>>-------------------------------------------------------------------- >>>

Posted By Lilian McCartney Great guys TC was (and still is) my fav comic. I can just imagine him telling these. Lilian