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#1 Posted : 17 December 2007 15:05:00(UTC)
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Posted By JimE
Come on everybody......

Have yourself a merry little Christmas..Doobee doobee dooooo.

Sing along folks :)

Have a good one people and thanx for all the advice when I needed it.

Best Wishes JimE
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#2 Posted : 17 December 2007 15:20:00(UTC)
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Posted By JimE
Come on people...somone sing the next line please.
JimE
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#3 Posted : 17 December 2007 15:30:00(UTC)
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Posted By JimE
82 views and not one response. Wots up ? Don't you all feel like singing?
JimE
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#4 Posted : 17 December 2007 15:36:00(UTC)
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Posted By Barrie (Badger) Etter
Jim
As you are on the merry stuff already how about an online risk assessment (I though of whilst partaking in a voluntary capacity with Santa as McElf), for
1) children going to see a strange chap they've never met before calling hims elf SANTA, sometimes foistered on him by adults who should know better, esp. when they tell the children NOT to take gifts from strangers let alone talk to them, then,
2) as he's a delivery guy make an assessment on his mode of transport etc. and then finally
3) comment on the quasi legality of his breaking and entry / stalking millions of people each year leaving various 'gifts' some unwanted!

I'm sure the rest of the forum will have some bah humbug towards this eccentric gent?

Over to you,

May peace and friendship always travel by your side. (And not a merry thingy in sight either)

Badger
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#5 Posted : 17 December 2007 15:52:00(UTC)
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Posted By Heather Collins
Let your hearts be light, from now on our troubles will be out of sight...

And what about the work at heights regs? I'd also hate to see his alcohol and drugs policy.
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#6 Posted : 17 December 2007 15:54:00(UTC)
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Posted By Colin Reeves
Nah, he does not "break and enter", he uses the chimbley so no "break".

I have, however, often wondered how he gets into houses with no chimbleys?

Must be magic ...... ??

Colin
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#7 Posted : 17 December 2007 15:59:00(UTC)
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Posted By Barrie (Badger) Etter
If no chimbley then must be a B & E, either that or someone told him where the keys hidden.

What of parking the sleigh on the roof?
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#8 Posted : 17 December 2007 16:09:00(UTC)
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Posted By Julian Wilkinson
I wouldn't kick up too much of a fuss as he just might not turn up!!

'Twas The (PC) Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.



No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

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#9 Posted : 17 December 2007 16:19:00(UTC)
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Posted By ITK
Santas Risk Assessment should include:

Sleigh: PUWER (maintenence)
Elves: HASAWA Information Instruction Training
Chimneys: Work at Height Regs (Fall arrest)
Roofs: Workplace Regs (slips)
Sack: Manual Handling Regs (MAC Tool)

any others....???
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#10 Posted : 17 December 2007 16:27:00(UTC)
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Posted By teaboy
According to figures published by the Population Reference Bureau, there are approximately two billion children (persons under 1) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces Santa’s workload for Christmas night to approximately 15% of the total, or 300 million. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to about 86 million homes for Santa to visit on Christmas night; presuming that there is at least one good child in each household!



Thanks to the different time zones and the anti-clockwise rotation of the earth, Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This works out to be about 770 households per second. This means that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 8 thousandths of a second (0.008 seconds) to arrive at the house, park his sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into his sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of the 86 million stops is evenly distributed around the area of the earth’s land mass (which of course we know is false, but is something that we will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.7 miles between each household; giving a total trip of more than 60 million miles (not including ocean crossings). That means that Santa's sleigh has to travel at more than 500 miles per second, or approximately mach 2,500 (2,500 times the speed of sound). For purposes of comparison, the conventional reindeer can run (at best) about 15 miles per hour (0.004 miles per second/mach 0.02).



The payload of Santa’s sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (about one kilogram in weight), the sleigh will be carrying a staggering 300 thousand tonnes, not counting Santa himself! On land, the average reindeer can pull no more than about 130 kilograms. Even assuming that the "flying" reindeer, with far less resistance, could pull ten times this amount, the job cannot be done with eight or even nine reindeer. In fact, Santa would need more than 230,000 of them. Guessing that the average reindeer weighs about 150kg, this increases the airborne payload by another 35,000 tonnes, or roughly five times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth cruise ship.



Almost 350 thousand tonnes travelling at 500 miles per second would create an enormous amount of friction due to air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a space shuttle re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The leading pair of reindeer would each absorb more than 900 Terra (1015) joules of energy per second (900 Terra Watts). In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second (0.00426 seconds), or right about the time Santa was half way towards the first house on his trip. Not that it matters much, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 500 miles per second in less than 8 thousandths of a second, would be subjected to forces of more than 10 million times his own body weight (10 million g’s). A 100kg Santa (which seems very slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by more than 10,000 Mega Newtons of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a pulp.



Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
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#11 Posted : 17 December 2007 16:36:00(UTC)
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Posted By Son of SkyWalker
Following an early show of Christmas stress from the wife!!

Tis the season to be naggy
Fa la la la la la la la la
Scream at the kids and then your hubby
Fa la la la la la la la la



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#12 Posted : 17 December 2007 16:51:00(UTC)
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Posted By Barrie (Badger) Etter
Teaboy
Now I know why there's a grave stone somewhere in Surrey(I think) marking the spot of Father Christmas!
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#13 Posted : 17 December 2007 16:53:00(UTC)
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Posted By teaboy
its true, i saw it happen, nothing i could do, my fire training and first aid were out of date.....
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#14 Posted : 17 December 2007 21:42:00(UTC)
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Posted By DavidW
Whatever the maths and science says he must exist as NORAD track him every year. Visit the site to see his preparation and watch his travels on xmas eve.

http://www.noradsanta.org/en/home.htm
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#15 Posted : 17 December 2007 22:12:00(UTC)
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Posted By MP Grayson
ITK. I have another for you. Your list does not ref to bio hazards.

He flies directly behind a flock of one eyed Reindeer without the use of a windscreen. He takes all night and you cannot tell me that they don’t have a few No1’s and No2’s “on route”.



“Unless you’re the lead reindeer, the view never changes” Dancer 1956.
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#16 Posted : 18 December 2007 08:20:00(UTC)
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Posted By Barrie (Badger) Etter
ITK
Have you done check that he's safe to work with children?
Speaking of which there's also a chance of bio hazards from the kids who sit on his knee in his grotty - too excited to contain it.


Have you heard about the 'Brown Nosed Reindeer'? He's as fast as Rudolf and is just behind him, but has trouble stopping!
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#17 Posted : 18 December 2007 09:05:00(UTC)
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Posted By JimE
All I wanted for christmas was a singalong :(

Many thanx for the very thoughtful and thought provoking responses.Some of you have too much time on your hands :)

Anyway,back to work for 3.5 days then 2weeks off.

Soon be time for SoCo lime&soda :))
JimE
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#18 Posted : 18 December 2007 09:21:00(UTC)
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Posted By mike morland
Teaboy

I'm impressed - but gutted!

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#19 Posted : 18 December 2007 10:24:00(UTC)
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Posted By Barrie (Badger) Etter
OK JimE
next line ..May all you assesssments turn out fine ...
Make mine a rum & black or a Laphiog

Badger

PS Apols for hijacking your posting but it was going nowhere as we are still at work. "days to go at lunchtime and counting ....
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#20 Posted : 18 December 2007 11:31:00(UTC)
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Posted By steve e ashton
Make sure you behave (badly) at the Christams Party.... This is (very nearly) a guideline document my wife's employer sent round... It's been (very slightly) modified. I do NOT endorse the advice presented.

"All over the world organisations are getting ready for the festive season and the office Christmas parties that accompany it. A recent survey showed that as many as 99.99% of employees have experienced some form of embarrassing behaviour at these do’s, so is it any wonder that the Staff Party can strike fear into the hearts of managers and employees alike? (Managers are, of course, not employees!)

For those of you who have never attended any kind of social gathering in your life before our advice will ensure you don’t commit any faux pas that will haunt you into the Nouveau Annee.

1. Turnip. Whether you love it or loathe it, the way you behave towards your vegetables can have implications for how others perceive you as a team player or manager.

2. Know your limits. Avoid the temptation to knock back copious amounts of alcohol (unless you are an experienced drinker). Alcohol can quickly make you lose judgement, so drink plenty. Make sure you eat something greasy before you head out, then you can drink rapidly throughout the evening and mix your drinks.

3. Supply free alcohol. It’s a nice gesture to offer to consume as many free drinks as you are physically able and to choose an event which provides free drinks. However it is also important to make sure that soft drinks are available for your colleagues.

4. Dress appropriately. You want to be remembered, so make sure you hit the right note by wearing something revealing.

5. Make sure you’ve considered everyone’s needs when choosing a venue and menu. Make sure that all of your colleagues are able to enjoy themselves by selecting a venue which offers free drinks. The menu is less important; fussy people with special dietary requirements can get a kebab on the way home.

6. Consider the date and timing of the event. Some colleagues may not be able to attend parties if they are held on specific dates and times due to the requirements of their religion or if they have to make arrangements for child care etc. Make sure that you’re excluding the right people.

7. Don’t talk about shopping all night. The Christmas party is a great opportunity to get to know your colleagues better, so introduce foul language, offensive jokes and inappropriate topics of conversation.

8. Loosen up. We spend so much of our time in work it’s a great opportunity to share a bit of what’s going on in your life with your colleagues. Unfortunately, they will probably respond similarly to you. However, you can benefit back at work if you know some of your manager’s dirty little secrets.

9. Remember any new team members. They won’t know company policy so can be conned into buying a round of drinks for everyone. Check that any new members of the team have travel arrangements in place or better still, offer to have them pick you up. Remind them that it’s much easier to walk into a room with someone than on their own!

10. Romantic liaisons. Many couples meet at work, use the Christmas party as an opportunity to mix business with pleasure and get frisky.

11. Try to settle scores: The Christmas party is a good time to let rip and tell your boss exactly what you think of them and ask for promotion. Confront difficult colleagues or clients with your grievances.

12. Plan ahead: Think about how you will be getting home. Try to cadge a lift with someone who is organised and has booked a taxi or arranged for a family member or friend to pick them up. Tie a label to your clothing with your address and emergency contact details.

13. Turn up late for work the next day. If your employer has been stupid enough to arrange a function on a week night they should take care of you and not expect you to be fit for work the next day. Do not wake up in a panic and rush in to work on a Saturday or Sunday.

14. Enjoy yourself! You have worked hard all year, so have fun and leave the party with your reputation enhanced. Who needs dignity?"

All the best for '08.
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#21 Posted : 18 December 2007 15:16:00(UTC)
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Posted By AlisonSM
Santa Claus: Ergonomic Risk Assessment
Let's get this straight: he's in charge of a flying vehicle and needs to deliver heavy loads to a critical deadline? Time for an ergonomic risk assessment as well!

Name
Santa Claus, aka Criscringle, Father Christmas, Father Frost, Joulupukki, Kris Kringle, Père Noël, Sabdiklos, Saint Nicolas, Sancte Claus, Sinter Klaas, Weinachtsmann

General Job Description
Santa Claus is employed for only two nights a year. His duties are as follows:

- Delivering presents from the Elves' factory in the North Pole to all the good children world-wide

- Carrying out work whilst the children are asleep to avoid detection

- Delivering presents in a nine-reindeer flying sleigh

- Gaining access to premises from the roof via chimney

- Payment in the form of tips (generally mince pies and sherry)

Logistics of job
Previous research has shown that:
Santa visits over 1500 homes per second
The average speed of his sleigh is of the order of 3.6 million miles an hour.

The sleigh carries about 156,000 tonnes of cargo.

Risk assessment and general health and safety requirements

1) Vehicle
It is Santa's responsibility to ensure that the sleigh is of good air worthy condition, carries all necessary documents and complies to all relevant regulations; failure to do so will result in prosecution and a fine, and/or custodial sentence.

As the sleigh passes through International air space all relevant Civil Aviation laws and rules must be adhered to:

- Registration and identification marks must be visible

- Seatbelts must be fitted and worn during take off and landing

- Emergency exits must be clearly marked, and clear of obstructions

- As all large bodies of water are to be overflown, life jackets must be carried
Port & Starboard designation lights must be fitted. The glowing red nose of Rudolf is not an acceptable warning light for other air space users

- A fire extinguisher and First Aid Kit must be carried

- The Reindeers' harnesses should be loose fitting so as not to cause chafing, be regularly checked for tear and wear, and replaced as necessary.

- As the sleigh has an open cockpit Santa must have suitable clothing to protect him from:

i) Extreme cold of Northern Alaska
ii) Heat of Central Africa & Australia
iii) Decompression of high altitude flight, generally over large bodies of water

- Good quality shatter proof eye protection must be worn (insect or reindeer excrement strike at 2000 miles per second could impair vision).

- The extreme forces due to acceleration and deceleration. A full climate controlled outfit with integral ‘G' suit is recommended, available from NASA and other specialist stockists

2) Landing and taking off
Landing and take-off permission must be sought from the relevant air traffic authority, as well as permission to enter or leave designated air space.

Before landing Santa must sight the proposed area and check it is clear of obstructions, bearing in mind the sleigh takes up the room of 1500 houses. Large mirrors should be fitted to enable the rear of the sleigh to be viewed during parking. Care must be taken to avoid trees, overhead powerlines and chimneys.

Chimneys should not be blocked as these must be clear to gain access to the houses. The landing area should be capable of supporting the 156,000 tonne vehicle. Collapse of any of the target houses would be unacceptable as the children would be woken.

2) Ingress and egress of vehicle
As the sleigh is parked on roof tops, most of which are in areas of temperate climates and have pitched roofs, care must be taken and a good quality working boot should be worn giving good ankle support for the sloped surface.

For areas in the Northern half of the Northern hemisphere where the temperature will invariably be below zero, a good non-slip soled shoe (with possible crampon fitment for snowy conditions) should be worn.

High visibility jacket and hard hat should also be worn.

A support harness must be worn. It must be attached via a retardation device to a secure anchor point.

For fragile roofs, Duck crawling boards must be used.

4) Handling of presents
Suitable training should be given to enable Santa to lift any heavy presents destined for especially good children. Special care should be taken when stretching to reach presents from the back of the sleigh.

Clambering over the pile of presents should be avoided due to the unstable nature of the footing, this can be achieved by packing the presents in the order required.

All dangerous materials, chemistry sets etc, should be suitably marked, have relevant COSHH sheets attached, and stowed in a flameproof container.

5) Chimneys
Care should be taken when entering the chimney. The use of ladders is recommended, and also the safety harness. Due to the dark environment, a lamp should be used (miner's type would be preferable to enable hands' free usage)
.
Respiration equipment and eye protection must be worn due to the dust, soot and smoke.
All clothing should be manufactured from non-flammable materials, and be heat and flame proof as many of the chimneys will have lit fires below. Footwear should have asbestos or similar heat resistant soles.

Care should be taken to keep the high visibility jacket clean. It is recommended that it is washed or changed regularly.
Setting down of presents

Care should be taken when entering the room. Dogs, security guards and surveillance equipment should be catered for. Attack by dogs can be prevented by the wearing of thick over-garments or even a decoy piece of steak. For surveillance equipment and security guards, Santa's own sleight of hand will have to suffice.

Caution should be taken around Christmas trees which are normally covered in sharp needles and fragile glass baubles. If Santa's clothing is wet due to rain or melted snow there is a definite risk of electrocution with the Christmas lights. A rubber mat should be provided to prevent such a problem.

Manual handling training should be given to show the correct way to set down large presents. Trip hazards should be looked out for, e.g. last year's discarded toys on the floor of children's bedrooms.

6) Working hours
With Santa's 31 hour working day, regular breaks should be taken, allowing time to eat drink and take care of calls of nature.

Working with animals, the reindeer should also be given regular breaks for the same reasons. They should be allowed to graze frequently and be given time to stretch their legs. Santa should be trained in the flying reindeers' special needs; little or nothing is known of this and research should be undertaken to discover their anatomical needs.

7) Safety equipment
All safety equipment should be checked and/or replaced each year to ensure optimum performance.

In charge of a vehicle under the influence of alcohol

Due to the means of payment this is especially important. It is recommended that a separate designated driver is employed. Due to the covert nature of these operations, one of Santa's own elves would be a suitable candidate.
(Source: System Concepts website)
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#22 Posted : 19 December 2007 23:16:00(UTC)
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Posted By Pete48
Why have you all assumed that the mortal laws of science apply to dear old Santa?

He may be in the time space continuum or he may not.
He may be at work and he may not. Perhaps this is what he does in his spare time at Christmas to avoid having to see his mother in law or maybe not.
He may live in a world where sensible safety is a way of life or he may not.
He may have employed a safety consultant to manage all his safety and then just ignored all of it or he may not.
He may be able to instantly repair any damage caused by him, his staff or equipment so that there is no such thing as an accident or injury about which to prosecute or claim, or he may not.
He may have registered his undertaking with the relevant authority or he may not.
RIDDOR might mean Riding In Darkness Dangerously Obtains Respect or it may not
COSHH might mean Christmas Offers Super Happy Holidays or it may not.
PUWER might mean Presents Unlimited With Every Request or it may not.
HE MAY EXIST OR HE MAY NOT.

Hush now children, can you hear the sound of a faint footfall and tinkling sleigh bells............
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#23 Posted : 20 December 2007 08:50:00(UTC)
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Posted By Barrie (Badger) Etter
Teaboy
I've sussed it!!!!
Santa's an alien!?!
1) Long life livety - at least a thousand earth years.
2) Extra terestial technology means he uses force fields to cushion against pulp crushing warp speeds.
3) He(?) is a changling which allows him to morph into any size / shape to pass into the house. Along similar lines to an octopus which can squeeze through apreures far smaller than its normal outline just reach food.

Live long and Prosper

Badger
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#24 Posted : 26 December 2007 20:39:00(UTC)
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Posted By Chris Packham
Teaboy

Having read your beautifully argued posting (for which may I offer my appreciation) this prompted me to take advice from the people concerned.

It appears that Santa Claus is really a corruption of Saint Nicolas, who has been dead for several centuries. So the last part of your posting is absolutely correct.

However, it also appears that laws of physics to not apply to dead saints! Apparently they can be in many different places at the same time, can travel through space (and our atmosphere) without causing any friction or kinetic effects. It seems they can also control their own time continuum, i.e. slow down time so that they can actually complete their allotted task. (Not sure about the reindeer, though. SC was rather vague on this point - or was it the multiple sherries speaking?)

Of course, being dead, and thus mythical characters, saints' existence relies upon our beliefs. Ever heard about killing fairies by denying their existence? If not, then read the original Peter Pan.

So whilst I can accept your final conclusion I have to disagree with your reasoning - and feel that all of this is irrelevant. If you belive in SC then he exists! Simple!

Chris
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