Posted By Stevie C
I received this statement as an email today and wondered if anyone else had seen it?

Poor man!!!!

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the Newsletter of the New Zealand equivalent of the Workers'Compensation Board. This is a true story.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'Poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your query.

Posted By ChrisLFAnderson
This is a true story, but not as quoted above and the author was not Gerrard Hoffnung. Sometime in the late 1950s, when I used to fly a drawing board, I remember seeing either “The Engineer” or “Engineering” magazine being passed from draughtsman to draughtsman with the speed of light. In it was a letter to the editor written by a maintenance manager who suggested that the magazine readers might like to share the contents of a letter “respectfully requesting sick leave” which he had received from one of his staff. This employee was writing to report an injury incurred when he tidied up his workplace following the repair of a hurricane damaged building on one of the West Indies. Some time later the contents of the letter were quoted verbatim by Gerrard Hoffnung in an address to the Oxford Union. Since then the situation has been reworded and requoted at frequent intervals from all around the world, sadly with the crispness and spontaneity of the original deteriorating with each retelling. The original “Hoffung: A last Encore (includes the Oxford Union speech)” is still available as an audio cassette book from the BBC.

Posted By GeoffB4
I can date this one back to 1989, any earlier offers?

Posted By Jane Blunt
My father used this as an after dinner speech. He died in 1961. The Hoffnung monologue is a classic, and I think my father lifted it from that, although he was an engineer and could have seen it in the magazine mentioned above.

Jane