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#1 Posted : 24 December 2008 05:39:00(UTC)
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Posted By Safety110 SEASONAL GREETINGS ALL.. TO CHEER THE FORUM UP.... I AM WILLING TO GIVE A £100 TO WHAT EVER CHARITY FOR THE BEST ELF & SAFETY XMAS JOKE. I WAIT WITH ANTICIPATION! MERRY XMAS ALL....
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#2 Posted : 24 December 2008 07:18:00(UTC)
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Posted By Sharon This has been doing the rounds........... A fella walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Santa serving behind the counter. "Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?" Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron is in a mess and he looks fed up and looks like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living. "Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset stripped the business and we went into liquidation." "Gee," the fella says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way." "Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?" The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner." "Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"
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#3 Posted : 24 December 2008 07:36:00(UTC)
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Posted By Peter F What did Santa say to Mrs Claus when he looked out the window ?. Looks like 'rain' dear
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#4 Posted : 24 December 2008 07:41:00(UTC)
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Posted By Sharon Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British safety engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, but when the gun fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof windshield and smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the console control, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, the safety engineers sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence: "Defrost the chicken"..............
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#5 Posted : 24 December 2008 07:46:00(UTC)
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Posted By Ian Blenkharn ........Acorns!
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#6 Posted : 24 December 2008 08:22:00(UTC)
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Posted By Sharon A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schitzophrenics ended in mayhem last night after someone shouted "he's behind you".
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#7 Posted : 24 December 2008 08:38:00(UTC)
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Posted By ScotsAM Don't bring up acorns. They're like little ball bearings you know! I'd tell a christmas 'elf and safety joke but I disapprove of the whole tradition. How does santa know that the fireplaces are unlit before he goes down? Does he have a permit for working at height and in a confined space when on the roof and in the chimney? Also think about the manual handling issues involved with transporting the worlds toys in a sack. It's all too much for me!
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#8 Posted : 24 December 2008 09:04:00(UTC)
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Posted By Michelle I was saving these for the christmas table but in the interest of charity! Why was santas little helper depressed at Xmas? He had low elf esteem! What do you call people with a fear of Santa? Clausetrophobic! Who looks after Santa when he's ill? The National Elf Service Have a good one and remember Christmas is the time of year when we all get a little Santamental!
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#9 Posted : 24 December 2008 09:40:00(UTC)
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Posted By Juan Carlos Arias a gentleman goes to a shop to buy a present for his daughter for Xmas, he is looking at the barbie dolls when a a shop assistant comes to help... how much is the superstar barbie? he asks. that one is £35, the shop assistant replies....how about this divorced barbie? well that one is £140... WHAT??? why is that one so expensive?? well sir, divorced barbie comes with Ken's car and Ken's house.
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#10 Posted : 24 December 2008 09:55:00(UTC)
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Posted By Kirsty Davies2 Apologies in advance for going off the topic here. (couldn’t resist to share the following to those who have not come across this yet) This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?” The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
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#11 Posted : 24 December 2008 09:57:00(UTC)
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Posted By Kirsty Davies2 And... A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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#12 Posted : 24 December 2008 09:59:00(UTC)
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Posted By Kirsty Davies2 And..... Man leaves work wheeling a wheel barrow with a cover over the top Security guard stops him on the way out "what have you got in the wheel barrow"? "nothing" the man replies & removes the cover. This goes on for two weeks every night the security guard asks the same question gets the same answer Finally the guard says "I know you are stealing some thing. "Off the record what is it?" "Wheel barrows" the man replies.
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#13 Posted : 24 December 2008 09:59:00(UTC)
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Posted By mainman Christmas is a time for children (so they say), but before you start you must conduct a detailed risk assessment and ensure that you are fully competent to become a parent .................... 15 simple tests before you decide to have children... Test 1 Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans. Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it in peace for the last time. Test 2 Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. Test 3 To discover how the nights will feel... 1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. 2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. 3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am. 4) Set the alarm for 3am. 5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea. 6) Go to bed at 2.45am 7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off 8) Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. 9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off 10)Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. Test 4 To prepare for dressing small children (not as easy as you may think)... Buy a live octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this = all morning. Test 5 Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There......perfect! Test 6 Getting ready to go out - rehearsal. 1) Wait. 2) Go out the front door. 3) Come in again. 4) Go out. 5) Come back in. 6) Go out again. 7) Walk down the front path/driveway. 8) Walk back up it. 9) Walk down it again. 10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. 11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. 12) Retrace your steps 13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you. 14) Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. Test 7 Repeat everything you say at least 5 times. Test 8 Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A fully grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys during the shop . Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children Test 9 1) Hollow out a melon. 2) Make a small hole in the side. 3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. 4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. 5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone. 6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child. Test 10 Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least fiveyears. Test 11 Can you stand the mess children make? Find out: 1) Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. 2) Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. 3) Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look? Test 12 Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy" - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler. Test 13 Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room. Test 14 Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now: 1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it. Stir. 3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture. 4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel. 5) Do NOT change. You have no time. 6) Go directly to work. Test 15 Go for a drive, but first. . . .. 1) Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls. 2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car. 3) Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car. 4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat. 5) For the really adventurous. . . . Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop. If none of the above bothers you then your well prepared to have kids. and you will not have a lie in on Christmas morning for the following 15years (at least) Merry Xmas to all (and all the children, i have 4 girls so I know)
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#14 Posted : 24 December 2008 10:00:00(UTC)
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Posted By Kirsty Davies2 Also.. A construction worker is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the man sat next to him and says: "Do you want to hear a funny safety joke?" The man next to him replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm a safety manager, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional athlete and bodybuilder. " "Also, the man sitting next to me is a EHO, 6'2", weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. " "And next to him is a HSE inspector who is 6'5", weighs 245 pounds, and he is a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that safety joke?" The construction worker thinks about it a second and says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
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#15 Posted : 24 December 2008 10:03:00(UTC)
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Posted By Raymond Rapp A retired health and safety (he is now) consultant decides to move away from the big city and find a retreat in the country. After several years of virtual isolation he gets a ring on the door bell. A big bearded chap chap says "howdy neighbour, was wondering if you would like to come to a xams party". "Well, that would be grand". He replies. The neighbour says "there'll be plenty of drinking." "I could do with a some company and a good drink" responds Mr Safety. "Probably be dancing too". "No worries". "Probably be some wild sex". "Yep, I'm up for that as well". Mr Safety says "what shall I wear?" The neighbour replies "doesn't really matter, 'cos there will be just the two of us". Have a great xmas - Moderators included. Ray
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#16 Posted : 24 December 2008 10:04:00(UTC)
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Posted By Kirsty Davies2 And also..... An industrial vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first building site in his new area. He enters the site office and a real mean and tough looking site agent looks up from his desk. Before he has a chance to say anything, he runs around the office and dumps cow pats all over the floor. He says, "Sir, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up those pats, I'll eat every bit of it." The agent turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The Salesman says, "why do you ask?" He says "We just arrived onsite and we haven't got the electricity hooked up yet."
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#17 Posted : 24 December 2008 10:12:00(UTC)
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Posted By Pete48 On the basis that the old uns are the best... A church was preparing for Christmas services. The vicar decided he wanted a banner made for the entrance and asked one of his parishioners to order the banner. The parishioner phoned the order in and told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entrance. The sign came back a few days later ... "Unto Mary, Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide." Seasons greetings to all forum users and viewers.
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#18 Posted : 24 December 2008 10:18:00(UTC)
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Posted By Alan E McKerns Mainman. . .pick a charity. Haven't laughed so much since we had the twins in the summer!!
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#19 Posted : 24 December 2008 10:21:00(UTC)
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Posted By Stuart99 How to place the right person in the right job? Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyse the situation: If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING. If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT THEM IN PLANNING. If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS. If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY. If they have broken the bricks into pieces - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY. If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCES. If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN SALES. If they are clinging onto the bricks - PUT THEM IN FINANCE. If they say they have tried lots of different combinations, yet not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN HEALTH & SAFETY. If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING. If they are staring out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE EXPORT. AND last but not least.... If they are talking to each other and not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT!!! I think this covers everyone!! Happy Christmas
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#20 Posted : 24 December 2008 10:23:00(UTC)
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Posted By Pomygranit Darth Vader - "Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas" Luke - "Rubbish!" Darth Vader - "No, I know what you are getting for Christmas!" Luke - "How can you possibly know that?" Darth Vader - "I felt your presence"
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#21 Posted : 24 December 2008 10:25:00(UTC)
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Posted By Kirsty Davies2 Mainman – definitely a winner. That was a class, LOL
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#22 Posted : 24 December 2008 10:25:00(UTC)
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Posted By mainman glad you liked it, i laughed out loud also thats why i thought i would share it, if SAFETY100 decides it does win then the charity would be the BDA - British Diabetic Association - heres hoping othegrs liked it also !
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#23 Posted : 24 December 2008 11:18:00(UTC)
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Posted By Decimomal What do you call a female Elf? A Shelf
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#24 Posted : 24 December 2008 11:44:00(UTC)
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Posted By CFT Fire Drill A voice on the office loudspeaker announced: "We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work properly in case of emergency." My confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added: "If you are unable to hear this announcement, please contact us."
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#25 Posted : 24 December 2008 11:46:00(UTC)
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Posted By Peter F How come this has turned nto the Kirsty page.
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#26 Posted : 25 December 2008 13:48:00(UTC)
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Posted By Safety Stu mainman got my vote ...... and i love my kid
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#27 Posted : 25 December 2008 22:17:00(UTC)
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Posted By Safety110 Hey All, I think we need to give this one to Kirsty for the shear determination. Hats off... What do you think Folks? What Charity do you want Kirsty? (Sorry the retired Safety Consultants Fund is not a goer) Merry Xmas All... Safety110
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#28 Posted : 25 December 2008 22:25:00(UTC)
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Posted By Safety110 Right, you have me, I shall give a £100 to BDA - British Diabetic Association as well as you have got me on Christmas Day and that was a good one Mainman. A sucker for a good joke. Well done Folks and a big thanks to you all and to the Moderators for all their support over the year. Cheers Safety110.
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#29 Posted : 25 December 2008 22:28:00(UTC)
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Posted By Safety110 Mainman, Can you please email. Thanks info@hses.co.uk
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#30 Posted : 27 December 2008 18:21:00(UTC)
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Posted By jervis Have you picked a winner yet mine wouldnt be allowed on here.
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#31 Posted : 27 December 2008 20:06:00(UTC)
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Posted By Safety110 Yeh, Giving £100 to Kirsty (for the sheer determination)and £100 to Mainman (because that was a good effort and made us all laugh). Don,t forget to keep them coming in. I hope yours wasn't naughty! Safety110
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#32 Posted : 29 December 2008 12:21:00(UTC)
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Posted By Paul M69 Man falls through the roof of a curry house! Been in a Korma for 2 days. Happy New Year everyone. Paul.
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