Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice
cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a
suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau
check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus.
Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be
prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe
for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also
consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture,
particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note,
permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To
avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request
that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise
nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched



While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate
seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and
orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due
to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should
watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd
observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her
glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued
with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and
Glory.

Lol - fantastic! I've forwarded this on to my bosses and just hope they don't take it seriously!

Ding dong merrily on high:

noise at work regs review to be carried out;
equality and diversity rep/group solicitor to be contacted urgently for suitability advice due to second word of title of carol;
alcohol/drugs at work policy to be updated regarding 'merrily';
working at height compliance to be ensured re 'on high'(same for drugs policy).

Leslie Phillips to sue due to the use of 'ding dong'?

Partridge in a Pear Tree banned admist fears of H5N1 outbreak!

You could of course include the "Credit Crunch" Xmas card, with the verse inside being:


Monies tight &
Times are hard
So here's your
"Flipping" Christmas card!


Substitute " " as required


Andy

Catching this is it not

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Tis the season to be jolly
Don we now out gay apparel
Troll the ancient Yule tide carol

Full consideration given to WAH while attaching to high points and appropriate gloves to protect against cuts
Ensure all staff keep to government guidelines in respect of recommended daily units for alcohol, 2-3 for women and 3-4 for men
Equal opportunities for men and women should not hinder how you choose to dress


Away in a manger no crib for a bed
The little lord Jesus lay down his sweet head
The stars in the bright sky looked down where he lay
The little Lord Jesus asleep in the hay

Social services need to investigate also find out what Mary spent the single mothers grant on
Eye protection may be required depending on cloud cover, level LUX readings and length of exposure time
Environmental health carry out inspection of bedding, full COSHH assessment required and social services to investigate why the baby is allowed to sleep with animals – dangers of zoonoses such as leptospirosis, orf or
ringworm.

The HSE with a prohibition notice(Same treatment for Cliff, obviously). Nasty hippy fake monastic tosh. Was their first hit, and we didn't take the opportunity to not buy it. I remember my older brother playing the thing in 72/73 or so and I was appalled then. Noise pollution at best.

I can just see the report now about Baby J and how social services will get another slating..........

Herod in charge of OFSTED(Bethlehem regional office).........

How did all those north African blokes get names like Thomas, Paul and Luke anyway? More Home Counties than holy land.........

Holidays are coming, holidays are coming (from the coke advert) - to ensure that any individuals who had worked over 48 hours in the precedign weeks had a suitable break to ensure compliance with the working time directive

Too cold. Prefer 'chestnuts roasting on an open fire', but would obviously not be allowed - nut allergies possibility, FRA for activity etc etc. Humbug!

This would be covered by the HSE requiring full translation for foriegn nationals.
Re Chritus ex Nartus, (Gaudete, Gaudete Chritus ex Nartus, Ex Maria virgin … ) I don't know of any legislation covering a super power therefore ask the Daily Mail to make one up. That said as he (?) will be covered as ethnically requiring translation(again). Now for the virgin maria social services may need to be contacted to sort out possible harrassment ....

For the Rolf Harris fans!

Early on one Christmas Day, a Joey Kanga-roo
Was far from home and lost in a great big zoo
Mummy, where's my mummy, they've taken her a-way
We'll help you find your mummy son, hop on the sleigh

Up beside the bag of toys, little Joey hopped
But they had'nt gone far when Santa stopped
Un-harnessed all the reindeer and Joey wondered why
Then he heard a far off booming in the sky

Six white boomers, snow white boomers
Racing Santa Claus through the blazing sun
Six white boomers, snow white boomers
.. On his Aus-tra-lian run

Pretty soon old Santa began to feel the heat
Took his fur-lined boots off to cool his feet
Into one popped Joey, feeling quite OK
While those old man kangaroos kept pulling on the sleigh

Six white boomers, snow white boomers
Racing Santa Claus through the blazing sun
Six white boomers, snow white boomers
.. On his Aus-tra-lian run

Joey said to Santa, Santa, what about the toys
Aren't you giving some to these girls and boys
They've all got their presents son, we were here last night
This trip is an extra trip, Joey's special flight

Six white boomers, snow white boomers
Racing Santa Claus through the blazing sun
Six white boomers, snow white boomers
.. On his Aus-tra-lian run

Soon the sleigh was flashing past, right over Marble Bar
Slow down there, cried Santa, it can't be far
Come up on my lap son, and have a look around
There she is, that's mummy, bounding up and down

Six white boomers, snow white boomers
Racing Santa Claus through the blazing sun
Six white boomers, snow white boomers
.. On his Aus-tra-lian run

Well that's the bestest Christmas treat that Joey ever had
Curled up in mother's pouch all snug and glad
The last they saw was Santa headed northward from the sun
The only year the boomers worked a double run

Six white boomers, snow white boomers
Racing Santa Claus through the blazing sun
Six white boomers, snow white boomers
.. On his Aus-tra-lian run

Where do I start?
Kidnapping Joey, heat exhaustion for the reindeers, old men having to pull a sleigh! The list of crimes against health and safety and equality goes on and on!
Have a good one when it comes!

Maybe not. Methinks there are greater powers at work here. No, not a deity but the wonder that is the interwebamathingy!!
Either that or the Badger has really has started a new viral e-mail trail!
Very amusing whatever the truth.