Posted By Andy Petrie This one made me laugh A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are - due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Posted By John Webster CONSUMER PRODUCT LABELLING In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions from various international consumer products. Clearly there are still obstacles to be overcome if we want to provide clear and comprehensible Health & Safety information with consumer products......... On a blanket from Taiwan; NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. On a helmet mounted mirror used by American cyclists; REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. On a Taiwanese shampoo; USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. On the bottle top of a British flavoured milk drink; AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. On a New Zealand insect spray; THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. In an American guide to setting up a new computer; TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box) On a packet of American Sun maid raisins; WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? why not, indeed! On an American Sears hairdryer; DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. On a bag of American Fritos Corn Chips; YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE (a shoplifters special?) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom) DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (too late! you loose!) On a Korean kitchen knife; WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights; FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. On a Japanese food processor; NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE On Sainsbury's peanuts; WARNING - THIS PRODUCT MAY CONTAIN NUTS. On an American Airlines packet of nuts; INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. On a Swedish chainsaw; DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (what kind of feedback lead to this warning?) On a Canadian child's Superman costume; WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. On some British frozen dinners; SERVING SUGGESTION : DEFROST. On a hotel shower cap in a box; FITS ONE HEAD. With a Rowenta iron; DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. On Boots "Children's" cough medicine; DO NOT DRIVE OR OPERATE MACHINERY. On British Nytol Sleep Aid Tablets label; WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding; PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

Posted By Frank Cooper Karen, Being as you are asking for lighthearted items from a H&S website perhaps you could use one with a safety flavour. I used this in my monthly in-house safety newsletter recently: I HEAR BUT DON'T LISTEN! Issuing verbal safety instructions is best done in a simple basic manner. Clarity is essential and checking for understanding should always follow. This is to make sure that everyone knows what is expected of them. If this is not done then there is a chance that things may go wrong and an accident may occur. However, we should never forget human behaviour and it does not always follow that people will react accordingly. Hence the announcement by a tube train driver in London recently as his train was about to leave the platform: "The man in the grey overcoat trying to board at the second carriage - What part of "Keep clear of the doors" don't you understand?" Frank Cooper

Posted By Frank Penny Found this on an Australian H&S website a few months ago "credit to the original poster" Reminds me of a recording made by Gilbert Harding in the early 60's (I think that was the name). As a former brickie I still find it amusing every time I read it. This is a bricklayer's accident actual (verbatim) report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this bloke died, he'd have received a Darwin Award without question... Dear Sir "I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand. I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally, mpressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry."

Posted By Mike Charleston An interesting postscript to Ken Urquhart's posting on this topic: The radio programme "Quote/Unquote" today on Radio 4 (Sunday) referred to this very piece and said that they had received a letter from a chap who could show that Hoffnung had based his story on an original piece of journalism in the Manchester Chronicle. Apparently he has kept an old newspaper cutting of it from the mid-1950's ever since! The only puzzle is whether the "mid-1950's" would refer to the first or second visit to the Oxford Union that Ken mentioned. I don't know .... but what a co-incidence that the item was included in the brief extract that I heard from this radio programme. Mike