Posted By Jason Gould Are You Ready For The Working World? You are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator remove the giraffe and put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not have the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional. 4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it? Correct answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability. So...... If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you. If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you. If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money. If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law, claims adjusting or safety.

Posted By Jason Gould When does a person decide to become a safety guy? Safety guys Q: When does a person decide to become a safety guy? A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker. Q: What do safety guys use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: How can you tell an extroverted safety guy? A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own. Q: Why did the safety guys cross the road? A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year. Q: How do you drive a safety guy completely insane? A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road mapthe wrong way. You might be a safety guy if you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room. in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue. at an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling. you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting. you sit backwards on the Blackpool rides to see how they do the special effects. you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances. you have more friends on the Internet than in real life. you know what http:// stands for. you see a good design and still have to change it. you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring. you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived. your laptop computer costs more than your car. your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

Posted By Jason Gould Spouse’s Affidavit I, _____________________________, hereby authorize my spouse to work without wearing gloves, hard hat, goggles, safety shoes or any other safety equipment, and hereby promise that I will without complaint, perform the following duties in case he/she is blinded or crippled: 1. Lead him/her wherever he wants to go. 2. Help him/her dress and eat. 3. Describe the scenery to him/her on our vacations. 4. Read to him/her instead of watching television. 5. Describe the way the children’s eyes light up at Christmas and what their graduations and weddings are like. 6. Teach him/her to do housework so I can get a job to support our family. 7. Do all the work around the yard and garage that he/she used to do. 8. Teach our little boy how to play ball, build model airplanes, fish and hunt.

Posted By Jason Gould "A Dead Horse" Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in safety management often I find that many try other strategies with dead horses, including the following: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse." 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses. 7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability. 9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment. 10. Change the threshold of "dead" declaring that "This horse is not dead." 11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed. 13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat." 14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 15. Do a Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. 16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead. 18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. 19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses. 20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable. 21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. 22. Develop an incentive awards program to encourage the dead horse to perform at acceptable levels.

Posted By Jason Gould Business Definitions The powers-that-be say something and you know what you have heard, but that may not be quite what they mean. So, to help you understand the meaning that really hides behind the boss's words, here is a list of definitions to help you sort out what's really going on. Ambitious (me) - brilliant, efficient and deserving promotion. Ambitious (you) - ruthless, toadying and not to be trusted. Negotiate - I put my point of view. Argue - you put your point of view. Analytical projection - guess. Forecast - wild guess. Long-range forecast - well, we had to put something on paper. Delegate - pass the buck. Delegate upwards - pass the bokk back to the boss. Filed - lost. Pending - what on earth did we do with this! Scheduled - hoped for. Planned - it might happen sometime. Delayed - forgotten. Under way - we hope to start next week. Approaching completion - still in bits. Not urgent - within 2 hours will be OK. Urgent - I want it now! Very urgent - I wanted it yesterday! New product - last year's model mucked about a bit. Radically new concept - last year's model mucked about a lot. Ingeniously engineered - incredibly difficult to install and service. Thoroughly tested - the boss played with it in the office. Exhaustively tested - the boss took it home and let the kids play with it. Tested to destruction - the boss's family broke it within 5 minutes. Adverse consumer reaction - the boss's wife did not like it. Industrial by-product - our waste. Environmental pollution - other people's waste. Profit before tax - profit. Profit before tax - loss. Deficit - staggering loss. Fringe benefit - theft by the boss. Pilfering - theft by the employee. Bottom line - money. Rationalization - cutbacks. Downsizing - your departments being cut in half. You have a key role in our plans - watch your back, the plans are for downsizing. Company restructure - two people will be doing the work of three. Major company restructure - two people will be doing the work of five. We do not anticipate any redundancies - you're probably safe for the next three weeks. Terminal handshake (the boss) - a fat golden handshake. Terminal payment (employees) - a months pay in lieu of notice. Career minded move - demotion. Open discussion - argument. Frank and open discussion - flaming row. Familiar with the job - hasn't got a clue. Experienced - went on a three day course. Recommended - smart Alec. Shrewd - devious. Strategy - low cunning. Deficiency analysis - pointing the finger at someone else. I hear what you are saying - nothing you have said will make any difference. Point taken - OK, we might have slipped up. Conclusive evidence - I told you so!

Posted By Robert Whent Jason, have you been spending your valuable time on the safteng web site or have you found the 'www.today.icantfocus.com Jokes and Anti-Safety Photos' sections? Rob

Posted By Jason Gould Tommy's List of "Phrases to Live By" 1. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. 2. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 3. Love is grand. Divorce is several hundred grand. 4. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. 5. An optimist thinks that this is the best of possible worlds. A pessimist fears that this is true. 6. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. 7. I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it. 8. I am a nutritional overachiever. 9. I am having an out of money experience. 10. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. 11. A day without sunshine is like night. 12. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. 13. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

Posted By Lisa Fowlie Hi Jason, nice to have a sense of humour! It is Friday after all. Mind you someone will soon say perhaps it is not appropriate on the Safety Forum...... Have a good day, Lisa. Old but suitably prickly!! Balloonist Joke A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The man below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Posted By Paul Leadbetter This hasn't got much to do with safety but it always makes me smile: THE BRITISH WAY Once upon a time, a British and a Japanese company decided to have a competitive boat race on the River Arun. Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the British team became very discouraged by the loss and morale sagged. Senior management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found and a project team was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action. The team came to the conclusion that the defeat had been due to the Japanese team having eight people rowing and one person steering while the British team had one person rowing and eight people steering. Senior management immediately hired a consultant to carry out a study on the team’s structure. Millions of pounds and several months later, the consultant concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing. To prevent another defeat the following year, the team structure was changed to four steering managers, three senior steering managers and one executive steering manager. A performance and appraisal scheme was set up to give the person rowing the boat a greater incentive to work harder and become a key performer. “We must give him empowerment and enrichment”, they said, “That ought to do it.” The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. The British company laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment for new equipment and halted development of a new canoe. The consultants were awarded a large performance bonus. Paul

Posted By Robert Whent Jason, try the following site: www.1safetysource.com Should keep you going for a few days....... Rob