Rank: Super forum user 
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"Yes, I'll help you to sue the company. It's all part of my job."
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Rank: Super forum user 
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"Look, trust me; I am a NEBOSH; my tweed jacket is patched with leather & my pockets are full of safety pins for putting up posters & to top it all I keep a safety helmet on the back shelf of my car, so now do you believe I'm competent to inspect your nuclear reactor which I've read up about on Wikipedia?"
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Rank: Super forum user 
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"HASAWA 1974?... never heard of it before... is it a new Japanese motorbike?"
"I hear that IOSH has closed down its website discussion forum because there's nothing left to discuss. It's incredible - all the people who respond to threads now fully agree with each other!"
and for a bit of self-deprecation, how about:
"Graham Bullough?...oh him, yep, an absolute master of brevity on that discussion forum... no doubt about it whatsoever!"
( chris42 - thanks for starting an original and amusing thread. Also, if the producers of TV's "Mock The Week" could be persuaded to use your theme, it would be interesting to see what the comedians would say. )
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Rank: Super forum user
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'Conkers? Without a full face shield and gauntlets? Are you mad, son?' (In Frankie Boyle voice)
'No thanks. I don't need a step ladder. This chair with castors will do fine'
'That Daily Mail has a lot of positives regarding H&S doesn't it?'
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Rank: Super forum user
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"Ever since I was little I wanted a career as a jobsworth, so imagine my delight when I found the perfect job - working in health and safety!"
" I'm just back from seeing our company chairman - he readily agreed with my urgent advice that we should replace our existing ofice desks with 'Deskmaster 3000' hybrid desk/work at height platforms invented by Mr Flibble. What's more, he agreed that we really ought to have ones with the gritty non-slip tops. If we can't get them in time for putting up the Olympic bunting, hopefully we'll have them in good time for doing the decorations next Christmas!"
(For those to whom the unlikely comment immediately above makes no sense, see responses 36, 38, 59 & 60 to the "Olympic Decorations" thread which currently lurks in near obscurity on thread listings page 2 of this forum.)
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Rank: Super forum user
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"I think all OS&H professionals like myself were absolutely thrilled to learn that eminent journalist Richard Littlejohn and noted TV presenter Jeremy Clarkson both readily agreed to accept awards in recognition of their amazing support for health and safety over many years. In my opinion, such recognition is somewhat overdue; Even so, here's 'well done' to the many OS&H people who nominated them for their awards!"
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Rank: New forum user
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"We're going to have to stop the job and you will have to find an alternative safer method but if you wait until I've gone home..."
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Rank: New forum user
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" I don't care about unguarded and faulty tools and machinery - there are still too many accidents being reported on this site - just tell everyone that we'll have to cut back on staff if I hear of any more!"
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Rank: New forum user
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"Right lads! First day on the job eh? We want to get you on the job as soon a we can, so we'll get all that safety carp (anag) out of the way first then shall we?"
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Rank: New forum user
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"All of our personnel have signed to say that they have watched the ten minute presentation. So now in accordance with company policy they are all behavioural safety champions!"
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Rank: Moderator 
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How about:
"Of course this Friday topic can stay open, we have nothing better to moderate."?
Thank you and goodnight.
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