Posted By Jonathan Breeze This or a similar article is run every b****y year! The articles can be found at: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/...land/cumbria/3712764.stm and: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/...england/tyne/3679162.stm

Posted By Zoe Barnett It's a shame that this ridiculous story is getting all the attention - front page on one of the redtops no less. I note there's not a peep about the recent findings by CLEAPSS (the School Science Service) on how many brand new, unsafe fume cupboards are being used in schools. I know which I think is the most newsworthy story, but then I'm just the rational, sensible, pragmatic safety adviser and would only get a mention if I had a drug habit, an unusually lively social life, or was prepared to take my top off.

Posted By fats van den raad I must admit I am not one of the world's biggest conker fans. They tend to make a mess of the road when they fall from the trees and get squashed into a pulp on the road by cars and busses. Problem is, add a slight sprinkling of rain and you have a VERY slippery mess on the road waiting to catch the unaware motor cyclist out and send them sliding down the road. So down with conker trees I say, down with the lot!!!! And while we're at it lets ban busses and lorries as well, coz they spill diesel and that makes the road slippy as well!!!!!!

Posted By Alec Wood Similar tree cutting exercise is currently in process by Stockton council near Middlesbrough. Identified hazard here is kids climbing trees - solution, cut off all the branches leaving an unsightly 20 foot high stump! Alec Wood Viewtek Display Services

Posted By James Byatt It's been a while since I played conkers last but if memory serves, the risk if conker fragments flying "up" were minimal. Surely the action of your opponents conker flying down towards yours causes the offending shrapnel to head downward? I always found a greater risk if the two strings got knotted and you had yours wrapped round your fingers tightly (ouch!). Also, for those who insisted on the short-stringed option (for greater control) the risk of getting your knuckles rapped was certainly there. I vote for gloves, not goggles. I seem to recal that seconds before impact, everyone shuts there eyes (and cringes) anyway! Incidentally, why has no-one in the press picked up on the inherent trip hazards involved in skipping? It's a sad state of affairs when the focus of the nation is drawn to playgrounds, yes PLAYgrounds and away from true newsworthy events. I'm willing to bet that examination of accident statistics in school nurses books would show very few conker-related incidents compared with the number of successfully and safely completed matches - would this not constitute minimal risk in terms of likelihood/frequency/potential et-all. Hey-ho. James

Posted By fats van den raad I don't know if that would be enough to prevent them from climbing. Maybe there should be a BSI standard about how much of a child's foot/leg should be cut off to prevent them climbing different things??

Posted By fats van den raad No.... thinking about it now, can't have skipping either. Faaaaaar too dangerous. An obvious trip hazard if ever I saw one.. And also, it will be "skipping rope today, skipping school tomorrow, skipping bail next week".... No a slippery slope, I tell you, slippery slope!!!!!!!

Posted By Terri Cox Why thank you colleagues, I have just finished reading all the responses to this post, and I am weeping with laughter at some of the images the responses are cunjouring up. I assume this set out serious?!?!?! Oh, how easily safety hits the extremes, life used to be simple as a child, you played, you fell, you cried, you played, you fell etc. So, why as we get older is it we play, we fall, we seek legal advice, we sue, we spend, we start the slope again and see if we can get more dosh the second time etc? But thanks again, I felt compelld to send this link to my colleagues just to brightemn their day too.

Posted By steve e ashton Would it be a good idea (rather than chopping feet/legs) to employ some ex-army PT instructors (sadists) to supervise compulsory tree climbing for schoolkids on cold wet and windy winter afternoons? I know the effect this physical and psychological torture had on me for cross country running as a kid (I've never run anywhere since) so would the same aversion therapy work for tree climbing? Plus, if all the conkers are collected during this compulsory 'healthy outdoor pursuit' they could be confiscated and subsequently sold back to the kids as a means of generating additional revenue for the school...... Anyone got the MD (Monkey Diploma) to confirm their competence in delivering this activity? Steve

Posted By Neil Pearson I suggest we ban conkers completely. Any tree found producing conkers will be subject to a disciplinary procedure, beginning with a written warning (written on paper made from it's closest relatives). Instead "conkers" will be played with tungsten carbide (bloody hard, in case you don't know) balls. This has the added benefit that no child will ever lose a game of conkers, with the severe and lifelong effects that losing at anything can have on a child. Or alternatively, ban string. Instead, schools should be forced by law to construct special conker accelerators (like the particle accelerator at CERN) so that conkers is played without physical interaction of children. The children can safely accelerate their conkers up to relativistic speeds from a console inside their protective cotton wool swaddling.

Posted By Zoe Barnett I cannot believe the irresponsible tone of some of these responses. You suggest the cutting off children's legs without a single reference to the risk of blood borne disease, the safe use of sharp instruments, the disposal of clinical waste and manual handling (well someone's got to carry the stumps to the pedal bin). Honestly. You should all be ashamed. Surely the most obvious solution is the development of Conkaaz, an interactive PC game, thus allowing the continuation of an ancient pastime whilst letting children stay safely idle and obese in their bedrooms. (It would of course come complete with an integral DSE assessment.) This has an added bonus in that we sit back and rake in the cash from the licensing. Perfect.

Posted By Jonathan Breeze Aha Bob, you missed a trick there, you friend could have sued the nail manufacturer for making the nails too sharp and not providing instructions for safe use. We could have seen a whole new line of specially blunted safety nails with a head at both ends. But back to the trees... Why stop at cutting down conker trees? There are may other species with hard seeds that could potentially cause damage and be substituted in the absence of Horse Chestnuts or even smear on the road when crushed by vehicles. Oaks, Pines, Hazels, Sweet Chestnuts, Beech, Hornbeam, Hawthorns, Brazils, and Coconuts. The offensive odour of the rotting Ginkgo fruit also springs to mind and you could have somones eye out with a branch of Monkey Puzzle! Even a Lemon can be hazardous in the wrong hands (if the allergic reaction doesn’t get you first - just ask Zoe). Heck, the list is endless, so get rid of the lot In fact why not blame "elf 'n' safety" for global deforestation (the press seems to blame us for everything else) and it will give the public another reason to sue. "My house was swept away because the council cut down all the trees for safety reasons!"

Posted By Merv Newman Cutting down trees, oh dear ! We have (had) a black forest pine outside of our front door. Our (my) fault we (I) planted when we (yes we)built the house 18 years ago. Now (then) taller than the house. This year we realised that my wife's recurrent health problems could be an allergy to it's pollen. That there tree is gonna have to go ! So, instant (undocumented) risk assessment. Out comes the PPE (hard hat, goggles, safety shoes and gloves. No kevlar PPPE (personal privates protective equipment) available so evaluated as unnecessary. Out comes the chain saw (we all have our own here). Chop off the lower branches until (correctly tied off) ladder could be inserted. Chopped off more branches until ladder could be extended. (ladder stability assured by 15 stone son (has safety diploma)). Chain sawed off all but highest branches. Top of tree roped to another, under tension to control direction of fall. Top ten feet chopped off. Tensioning rope ensures that fall crushes wife's favourite bush. Tensioning rope reapplied to top of remaining 20 foot stump. Next cut made at 10 ft (3m10cm) height. Tensioning rope ensures that fall seriously frightens neighbours yappy dog. (counted as a positive consequence) Final cut at ground level. Tensioning rope ensures that fall seriously upsets wife's favourite cat. (counted as seriously negative consequences) Big bits chopped into small bits and disposed of in authorised manner by son. Large whiskey disposed of in approved manner by father. Now we wait for the next pollen season to see if wife's allergies have an alternate cause - yappy dog, favourite bush, cat, husband, son ... Episode 2 : 2005 The Pollen Season !

Posted By Matt Green Surely needs a safe working procedure put in place by the LEAs! After all some smart alec could come in with a coconut on the end of a piece of string!

Posted By Zoe Barnett I picked up a super conker this morning and am now keeping it on my desk as an act of defiance!

Posted By fats van den raad See.. growing up in South Africa I missed out on playing conkers, as these trees do not exist in RSA. We had to be satisfied with games of "kleilat" where a long whippy stick is used to propel a lump of sticky mud towards the opposition. Two teams (normally opposing "gangs") meet at the river armed with these stiff whippy sticks (about 4 ft long) You then dig out the black sticky clay, mould a handfull of this around the end of your stick and then throw this with all your might towards the opposition. It don't half smart if you're hit. Many a bruise, black eye and even bloody noses were had. Oh, yes.... No ppe... The standard dres for battle was a pair of shorts, thats it!!!

Posted By Anthony Elsmore Hi all Purely in the interets of understanding the risks involved in playing conkers- Can anyone tell me which is the offical scoring method. As I remember it you get one more point for every conker you explode. I.e. a two-er will become a three-er and so on. However I can also remember a vein of thought that when e.g. a two-er beats a ten-er it becomes a twelve-er. This is a crucial part of my fact sheet to be distributed to all and sundry. I don't want to get it wrong---- I would just look silly.

Posted By peter gotch Zoe, I'm old enough but can't remember clackers. Others do though....quick Google search..... Clackers "The original pendulum ball toy!" Clackers are the toy with a jillion names. It was essentially two large marbles attached by a sturdy string with a ring in the center........They started finding their way into the schoolyards in the early seventies and in 1971 were yanked from shelves because kids were suffering eye injuries when the fragile, glass-like balls were shattering from the violence of contact with their mates.....There were supposedly over 80 copy-cat products on the market during Clackers hey-day. During your search expect to see names like: Bonkers K-Nokkers Ker- Knockers Knockers Wackers Whackers Whak KOs - well known music star's favourite? Very un PC, and why did they not buy some goggles like the sensible headmaster. and, Steve, I went back to school in the Upper Sixth hobbling along with two walking sticks - recovering from broken leg and ankle - products of Morroccan holiday. Our sadistic senior PT master insisted that I could play football on a cold, wet Wednesday afternoon, unless I could get a sick line from the sanitorium. Regards, Peter

Posted By steviezenga My son started "big school" last month and has been relentlessly "peanutted" since day one. Along with wedgies, chinese burns, conkers, clackers etc it's reassuring to see all this top notch kids stuff enduring despite the best attempts of the PC brigade.

Posted By fats van den raad Wehad a wedgie hook in the workshop.... the workshop manual chain hoist. Still it was as safe as it could be, it was inspected, certificated and marked with swl.. and we made sure we never hung up an apprentice weighing more than 2.5 ton!! PS, again, the product of not having grown up over here... please explain "peanutted"??